I have another blog. It's public. I've gone back and forth on making it private. I've actually made it private a couple times. I have noticed that The Ex's girlfriend has been reading my blog everyday. (While she's at work.) I have been tempted to make it private again. I don't like that she's looking at everything in my past. She's looked at every month for the past 2 years. I normally don't mind that my blog is public, but for some reason it really bothers me that she's reading this. I told The Ex yesterday about it. (One of the things I realized that I shouldn't have done, which is what started the fight that I apologized for.) When I told him that she's looked at all this stuff, he actually defended her! He said that she just had too much time on her hands at work. I told him that he told me to leave her Facebook alone, so maybe she should leave my blog alone. He said no, that he didn't want us to be mean to each other on Facebook. Uh, no that's not what he said. He told me to "leave it alone, stop looking at her Facebook page." Man, he lies! Probably because he's told me so many lies he doesn't remember what he's actually said. Anyway, he said that she didn't even tell him that she had been looking at my blog. Ha! I bet he doesn't see that as a lie. I guess she can do whatever the hell she wants, I mean he looooooves her. *Please note sarcasm.*
So, I kinda don't want her reading my blog anymore. However, I don't want her to think she's won this battle. I don't want to make it private just because she's a wench. I guess the main reason she's checking on me on a regular basis is to compare what she has with The Ex to what I had with him. Maybe she's trying to see if we really were all that bad. Like I was going to blog about that-Ha!
I don't know what I'm going to do yet, I'm just thinking through this.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Shut It!
I need to keep my mouth shut. Don't say anything Ms. Doe (I almost inserted my real name), don't say a word.
I'm pretty sure The Ex has been spending the night at his girlfriend's house. I'm also pretty sure he's going to tonight as well. He said that he'll be going over there in the morning, really early (lie) so I'm going to be meeting closer to her house, than our usual spot for drop off. All I want to do is tell him that I know that he's staying the night at her house. Ooooh, I just want him to know that I know. BUT...This is where I need to remember to take the emotion out. It's sooooo hard. I just know that he'll soon be living with her, and I'd better prepare myself for this. He's such a hypocrite. Ugh.
Then he tells me tonight that his girlfriend's boys are always playing with the baby, and that he's not always watching him. Uh, what an idiot to tell me that! But, it hurts also. Some lady's boys are playing with MY son. MY SON! What if they're punks? Thy youngest is 10 or 11. Then the other 2 are teenagers. What the hell are boys that old doing playing with a 19 month old? And WHY does this bother me so much?! The reason I know this is because I called to ask him if he's been playing football around the baby, because the baby has been pretending the "hike" a football. I thought maybe this was something he taught him. He then says that it was probably his girlfriend's boys. Ooooh, that got under my skin. But guess what? I have no one to blame but myself. I guess I justified it because I was asking about the baby, not asking about him.
How dumb of me! UGH!
I'm pretty sure The Ex has been spending the night at his girlfriend's house. I'm also pretty sure he's going to tonight as well. He said that he'll be going over there in the morning, really early (lie) so I'm going to be meeting closer to her house, than our usual spot for drop off. All I want to do is tell him that I know that he's staying the night at her house. Ooooh, I just want him to know that I know. BUT...This is where I need to remember to take the emotion out. It's sooooo hard. I just know that he'll soon be living with her, and I'd better prepare myself for this. He's such a hypocrite. Ugh.
Then he tells me tonight that his girlfriend's boys are always playing with the baby, and that he's not always watching him. Uh, what an idiot to tell me that! But, it hurts also. Some lady's boys are playing with MY son. MY SON! What if they're punks? Thy youngest is 10 or 11. Then the other 2 are teenagers. What the hell are boys that old doing playing with a 19 month old? And WHY does this bother me so much?! The reason I know this is because I called to ask him if he's been playing football around the baby, because the baby has been pretending the "hike" a football. I thought maybe this was something he taught him. He then says that it was probably his girlfriend's boys. Ooooh, that got under my skin. But guess what? I have no one to blame but myself. I guess I justified it because I was asking about the baby, not asking about him.
How dumb of me! UGH!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Therapist
I felt like I vomited my last post. Sorry, I was angry, and I really needed to get it out.
Just like this next topic. This may not make any sense to anyone else, but I think I need to decompress my thoughts. (I will also be blogging about this on my other blog, but talking about non-divorce stuff there.)
I need to train myself on how to communicate with The Ex. I'm currently doing a poor job at communication. I feed into his anger. I fight back with him. I don't walk away. Today my therapist said that he is a dark person (his spirit), and that even the Bible says to stay away from those people-As far as everyday interaction, friendships and such. (Ha, ha, I'm justified!) So, the only time I need to talk to The Ex, is when it has to do with our son. I don't need to hear how he feels about me. I don't need to tell him how he makes me feel. There is no room for emotion here. If I need to apologize, simply say, "I'm sorry I offended you, I won't do it again." (Which I know he won't accept, since he frequently rejects insincere (to him) apologies.) When I need to email or text him, keep it to the point, don't offer anything extra. I tend to give away too much information. I do not have a relationship with him, therefor, there is no need to offer anything extra. And, by staying to the point, I'm not being rude. And if he thinks I am, WHO CARES! Clearly from my past experiences, I can't seem to make him happy. So, I need to take care of myself and not worry about him. Which is why I need to leave my emotions aside. He doesn't care about my emotions, even though he may say he does. His actions clearly show that he doesn't.
Now, all this sounds well and good, but I know it's going to be difficult. I've had friends tell me from day one to not argue back with him. He knows which buttons to push, which is why I keep engaging with him. I need to just let it go. Allow myself to be angry, allow myself the feelings, but then move on. Easier said than done.
My therapist also said I'm doing better than most other people going through divorces, better as in wanting to get better. She said that I'm wanting to heal and trying to be conscientious about what I do and say. She said she would have expected me to be where I am now, a year from now. Ooooh, to be a good student! ;)
Okay, so back to communication. If The Ex tries to engage with me, or asks me a question, I need to redirect him by asking him a question. If that doesn't work, be vague. If he still persists, set a boundary and say, "I don't really feel comfortable talking about that." Also, remember to keep it about our son only. This is going to be hard to do, clearly, since I failed at it this afternoon.
Oh, and one more thing I forgot about. I told her about the text The Ex sent me last night. She told me to not send him anymore information. If he wants to know something, he's going to have to ask.
Ha, take that Asshat!
Just like this next topic. This may not make any sense to anyone else, but I think I need to decompress my thoughts. (I will also be blogging about this on my other blog, but talking about non-divorce stuff there.)
I need to train myself on how to communicate with The Ex. I'm currently doing a poor job at communication. I feed into his anger. I fight back with him. I don't walk away. Today my therapist said that he is a dark person (his spirit), and that even the Bible says to stay away from those people-As far as everyday interaction, friendships and such. (Ha, ha, I'm justified!) So, the only time I need to talk to The Ex, is when it has to do with our son. I don't need to hear how he feels about me. I don't need to tell him how he makes me feel. There is no room for emotion here. If I need to apologize, simply say, "I'm sorry I offended you, I won't do it again." (Which I know he won't accept, since he frequently rejects insincere (to him) apologies.) When I need to email or text him, keep it to the point, don't offer anything extra. I tend to give away too much information. I do not have a relationship with him, therefor, there is no need to offer anything extra. And, by staying to the point, I'm not being rude. And if he thinks I am, WHO CARES! Clearly from my past experiences, I can't seem to make him happy. So, I need to take care of myself and not worry about him. Which is why I need to leave my emotions aside. He doesn't care about my emotions, even though he may say he does. His actions clearly show that he doesn't.
Now, all this sounds well and good, but I know it's going to be difficult. I've had friends tell me from day one to not argue back with him. He knows which buttons to push, which is why I keep engaging with him. I need to just let it go. Allow myself to be angry, allow myself the feelings, but then move on. Easier said than done.
My therapist also said I'm doing better than most other people going through divorces, better as in wanting to get better. She said that I'm wanting to heal and trying to be conscientious about what I do and say. She said she would have expected me to be where I am now, a year from now. Ooooh, to be a good student! ;)
Okay, so back to communication. If The Ex tries to engage with me, or asks me a question, I need to redirect him by asking him a question. If that doesn't work, be vague. If he still persists, set a boundary and say, "I don't really feel comfortable talking about that." Also, remember to keep it about our son only. This is going to be hard to do, clearly, since I failed at it this afternoon.
Oh, and one more thing I forgot about. I told her about the text The Ex sent me last night. She told me to not send him anymore information. If he wants to know something, he's going to have to ask.
Ha, take that Asshat!
Grrrrrr
Today I had a conversation with The Ex. (While dropping off the baby.) I actually started to argue with him. After I left I had to remember what I learned while at the therapist today. So, I called him and apologized for arguing with him. I said that I had forgotten to just keep it about the baby. He then proceeded to talk to me for 20 minutes telling me how mad he was.
There was this blog post that my friend posted a while back. She posted on my blog and he didn't like it. He didn't like how she lashed out at him, and how I just let her. So he was mad about that. He was tired of me talking shit about him. Oh, and he also said that he didn't throw me out of MY HOUSE. He said he asked me to leave, and that I could have said no. Well, he's right, I could have said no, but he knows me and he knows that I wouldn't have said no. So, yet again, this whole thing is my fault. Then he said it was mutual. Then he said that towards the end he wanted me to stay, and that I wanted to go. What the fuck ever, make up your mind douchebag! Man, he sure does know how to piss me off. And, I started it! All I did was call to apologize for fighting with him and he had to unload all his feelings on me. UGH! Why do I do this to myself? I can't win with that guy. He said at one point we should talk about where we went wrong. Why? I have no need for that. All it's going to turn into is a big fighting match. I have no desire to do that. None. I know where we went wrong. We got married. I should have never married a man who had/has addiction problems. And I don't care if he thinks all I do is talk about him. Yes, I guess that makes me bad in his eyes. But you know what? I don't give a damn. Yes, I know I played a part in the relationship. I know I had my faults. But faults that were so bad that he had to treat me like shit? Probably not. I think that we just were never right for one another. He believes in conspiracy theories. I do not. He's conservative. I'm liberal. I can drink without having to go to AA. He belongs to AA. I like to have sex with other people. He likes to have sex with himself, while looking at porn. Okay, so that's not so bad, except for when he chooses to masturbate instead of being intimate with me.
Oooooh, if he could read this he'd be pissed. But guess what? It's the truth. Oh, and he said he was doing me a favor and not unloading all his anger on me. Don't do me any favors asshole.
Blllllaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Deep Breath.
There was this blog post that my friend posted a while back. She posted on my blog and he didn't like it. He didn't like how she lashed out at him, and how I just let her. So he was mad about that. He was tired of me talking shit about him. Oh, and he also said that he didn't throw me out of MY HOUSE. He said he asked me to leave, and that I could have said no. Well, he's right, I could have said no, but he knows me and he knows that I wouldn't have said no. So, yet again, this whole thing is my fault. Then he said it was mutual. Then he said that towards the end he wanted me to stay, and that I wanted to go. What the fuck ever, make up your mind douchebag! Man, he sure does know how to piss me off. And, I started it! All I did was call to apologize for fighting with him and he had to unload all his feelings on me. UGH! Why do I do this to myself? I can't win with that guy. He said at one point we should talk about where we went wrong. Why? I have no need for that. All it's going to turn into is a big fighting match. I have no desire to do that. None. I know where we went wrong. We got married. I should have never married a man who had/has addiction problems. And I don't care if he thinks all I do is talk about him. Yes, I guess that makes me bad in his eyes. But you know what? I don't give a damn. Yes, I know I played a part in the relationship. I know I had my faults. But faults that were so bad that he had to treat me like shit? Probably not. I think that we just were never right for one another. He believes in conspiracy theories. I do not. He's conservative. I'm liberal. I can drink without having to go to AA. He belongs to AA. I like to have sex with other people. He likes to have sex with himself, while looking at porn. Okay, so that's not so bad, except for when he chooses to masturbate instead of being intimate with me.
Oooooh, if he could read this he'd be pissed. But guess what? It's the truth. Oh, and he said he was doing me a favor and not unloading all his anger on me. Don't do me any favors asshole.
Blllllaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Deep Breath.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Being Nice Doesn't Work
In my efforts to be nice, I sent The Ex a text today saying that our son said "water."
This is the text I got back.
"I wish I could experience that too. It must be nice. Have fun enjoying our son."
See! This is how much of an ass he is! I'm trying to include him (not like he cares, he never asks how our son is), and it gets shot down.
Well, fuck him then. Douchebag.
This is the text I got back.
"I wish I could experience that too. It must be nice. Have fun enjoying our son."
See! This is how much of an ass he is! I'm trying to include him (not like he cares, he never asks how our son is), and it gets shot down.
Well, fuck him then. Douchebag.
Lonely
I hate feeling lonely. I hate missing someone who has hurt me. Today, I was feeling these feelings. It's not even that I miss HIM, I think I sometimes just miss the idea of him, what could have been.
Sigh.
Tomorrow I have a therapy appointment, thank God.
Sigh.
Tomorrow I have a therapy appointment, thank God.
Dear Other Woman,
Please stop looking at my other blog.
I have an invisible stat counter, that tells me who has looked at my blog. Most people I don't know, while others are my friends. However, when I see your employment's IP address (and name) show up, I know it's you. So, instead of spending an hour looking at my blog, why don't you do what the school district pays you to do, and actually work. Oh, and there really is no need to look at posts all the way back to 2007. I didn't even know The Ex then, so why bother looking at my life? As far as looking at times when The Ex and I were happy, well, I didn't blog about very many of them, so good luck finding those posts. I'm not entirely sure as to what you're doing by looking at my blog everyday. Although, it kind of makes me want to write everyday to give you something new to read. Maybe I'll start writing about how happy I am. Maybe I'll explain how much I love my children. Better yet, I think I'll talk about how great it is to move on, and how good I feel about myself and my decisions. Yeah, I like that idea.
So, dear Other Woman, why don't you get on with your life. Stop looking for fights. If you're so happy with The Ex, then LEAVE ME ALONE, and go be happy with him.
I have an invisible stat counter, that tells me who has looked at my blog. Most people I don't know, while others are my friends. However, when I see your employment's IP address (and name) show up, I know it's you. So, instead of spending an hour looking at my blog, why don't you do what the school district pays you to do, and actually work. Oh, and there really is no need to look at posts all the way back to 2007. I didn't even know The Ex then, so why bother looking at my life? As far as looking at times when The Ex and I were happy, well, I didn't blog about very many of them, so good luck finding those posts. I'm not entirely sure as to what you're doing by looking at my blog everyday. Although, it kind of makes me want to write everyday to give you something new to read. Maybe I'll start writing about how happy I am. Maybe I'll explain how much I love my children. Better yet, I think I'll talk about how great it is to move on, and how good I feel about myself and my decisions. Yeah, I like that idea.
So, dear Other Woman, why don't you get on with your life. Stop looking for fights. If you're so happy with The Ex, then LEAVE ME ALONE, and go be happy with him.
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