Meeting

While at Target today, I ran into The Ex's girlfriend's granddaughter.

We were walking, and I saw this little girl who looked familiar. (Thanks Facebook.) She then went up to my son and said to whomever she was with, "I know him. That's (insert my son's name). He goes to my grandma (insert The Ex's girlfriend's name) house."

That's when I knew who it was.

I just said, "Oh yeah." Then I grabbed my son and we kept walking. Oh, and I smiled at the 2 women she was with.

I text The Ex later and told him. I debated telling him, then decided I should. What if the little girl says something to them and then he gets mad at me. Then after I thought that, I thought that maybe telling him was a bad idea. It's like I'm still under his control, you know? But, I had already sent him the text, so it was too late to take it back. I just told him I met his girlfriend's granddaughter. He just said, "Wow, you met her daughter." I told him no, that she was with 2 older women. Then I told him what she had said, and that I just smiled at them and kept walking. Now I'm worrying that he's going to think I was being rude, or that I.....Who knows. He always seems to twist my words. Which, again, made me regret telling him.

Ugh!

I hate making the wrong choices!

I should have not said anything to him. Then if she said something, I could have countered with, "How was I suppose to know who she is?" Or, "I didn't think it mattered if I told you or not." Or whatever.

Fail, Ms. Doe!

Okay, so for next time, when I see someone he knows, his family, or his girlfriend...What do I do? I need to prepare myself. This time it was hard because it was the little girl (3 or 4) who came up to my son. I can't really take out my issues onto her. And, she spoke to us. I wish I had known who she was, because then I would have went the other way.

Sigh. Oh well. Lesson learned.

Birthday

Today is The Ex's girlfriend's birthday.

She's 41 or 42. (Ha, ha, I'm 10 years younger.)

For some reason I feel sad about this. I just imagine The Ex doing all these great things for her, making her day special. For my birthday last year he gave me a present that he gave to his mom some years ago, asked for it back, then gave it to me. Essentially, I got a used present. He did, however, pick up a cake for me, but it wasn't what I would have picked for myself. I guess I have to at least give him credit for that. The year before he got mad at me for taking a day off of work, to go to my surprise party. He knew about it, but I guess had forgotten. So when I told him I was taking the day off to go to this thing (I forget what the cover up thing was), he told me that I should work and not loose out on the day of pay.

Anyway...I can picture him being the best boyfriend to his girlfriend. He also has our son tonight. So I guess he'll be celebrating with them as well. I just don't like it.

I think I'm just feeling sorry for myself today. I wish he could have been a better husband to me.

It's Happened

He's living with her.

I knew this day would come, but I'm still not ready to face it. I know it shouldn't be the end of the world, but it feels awful.

Even worse? He didn't tell me about it. I found out by searching for his name online. His name is listed under her address under one of those people searches. I've had this feeling for a while that he had moved in with her, but of course he wasn't going to be honest with me about it. In fact, I asked him last week sometime, and he told me no. He hasn't even had the courtesy to tell me. Isn't this something I should know?

He's sleeping in her bed on a regular basis. He's acting like a father to her 3 sons.

I feel sick to my stomach.

This woman still doesn't have the guts to meet me face to face.

I want to say something to him about it.

I want this marriage to be over. Who knows when that will happen, as my lawyer has decided to stop communicating with me. Not to mention, she hasn't done all the work on my case that she's said she's done.

I feel like I've just been shit on.

I want to go out and have crazy sex, then let The Ex know about it.

I have to remind myself that this is what he does. He finds women to take care of him. He weasels his way into her life. He pretends to be this great guy.

Doesn't he feel guilty? While he has sex with this other woman, does he think how maybe he shouldn't be? We hardly ever had sex, and I was his wife. Yet he can move in and sleep with this other woman, and still be married to me? How can he go to church and have a clear conscience about this?

I hate that this hurts me.

Fuck him.

Avoiding Me

I realize that it's only been a handful of hours since I last blogged, but I wanted to talk about what happened at pick-up.

I went to The Ex's church to pick up the baby like I wrote about earlier. I got there about 15 minutes early. I found The Ex's girlfriend's van, and parked by it. Everyone else started to get out about 10 minutes till 12. I saw The Ex wander over around 12. It was because he put the baby in the nursery and had to go pick him up. Hmmm, yet he complains about missing out on time with the baby when he naps, but he'll put him in the nursery at church?

Anyway...I was expecting to see his girlfriend. She was there, but I'm guessing she's still not ready to meet me. She stayed away until I left. The Ex brought the baby to me. Then after I got in the car. He got on the phone and probably called his girlfriend, because he was on for a second. Then he walked up towards the church. He looked around for a minute, then disappeared.

How long are they going to go out of their way to avoid me? Wait...How long is she going to go out of her way to avoid me? Really? This is getting old. What the hell does she have against me? Um, she's the one dating a married man. Maybe that's her problem. Is she afraid I'm going to fly off the handle and slap her? Maybe grab her by the hair and drag her through the church parking lot? Puh-leeze.

Grow up grandma. If you didn't want to have to deal with someones baby mama, then maybe you should have dated someone without kids. Or, better yet, waited until they were divorced. Or, even better yet, not stalk the wife. (Wow, weird to say wife. Yeah, technically I still have a husband.) I'm guessing you feel guilty? Maybe you know that I know that you're stalking me. Or, maybe you know that I know you're "the other woman." (technically) I bet it's because you're a shit starter and you realize I'm not. You're just embarrassed.

Well guess what? Get over it. Act like an adult and stop avoiding me. Or you know what? Don't. I really don't care. I actually drove away with a smile on my face. Know why? Because I'm not afraid of seeing you. I'm okay with me and my decision. Maybe you need to be okay with you and yours.

Giving In?

I think the reason why I dread pick up and drop off so often is because The Ex tends to make it difficult for me. He uses this time to ask me questions or to talk to me about things. I think he knows that he has me trapped, and that I'm not going to just throw the baby at him and run.

Today was no different.

It started off with a text at 7:26am. This is the text:
Can we do 9 to 1 instead. Church will be running late again today. That means i will be late again

I have a couple of thoughts about this. First off, how does he know that church is going to run late? Secondly, he's admitting that he was late before. See, he even said that he will be late again. AGAIN! So I was right when I said yesterday that he's been late before, he even admitted it to me this morning. Ha!

I sent him a text back telling him that the baby had a party to go to at 12. I told him I would just pick up the baby at his church at 12.

I get the baby ready, and we head over to our meeting spot. One he gets there, The Ex asks me if he can get the baby on Sunday's from 9-1 instead (the court papers say 8-12). I told him that the baby naps around 11 or 12. So, if I get him back at 12, then I can take him home and put him down for a nap. I told him that his weekends are all screwed up. He sleeps at odd times then he's up late, and that's too hard for us all. So, if this is going to be a problem, then I'll just drive to his church and pick him up. The Ex started asking if I was going to always be on that side of town. I told him no, but I need him to nap, so I'll just pick him up. Of course he was fine with that. That is, me wasting my gas. After that, he starts to complain. He feels that it's not fair that he has him during his nap time. He thinks that he's missing out on time with him because he's sleeping. Boo-hoo. He's told me a couple weeks ago that he doesn't always watch him when he has the baby. He said that sometimes he's playing with his girlfriend's sons. So, um, now he's complaining that the baby is sleeping during his time. WTF Ever. I told him that I understood what he's saying (we were both calm and not really fighting), but that the baby needed his naps. I said, "I'm sorry, but he needs to sleep. He's a baby, he needs his naps." The Ex kept asking if I could see where he was coming from. I said, "Yes, but I don't have an answer for you." He said, "Of course you don't, it's my problem, not yours." Not sure if he was being sarcastic or not, but it sure sounded like he was. I didn't reply to that. Then he asked if he had the baby next Sunday because it was Father's Day. I told him yes, and that the court papers say he gets him from 8-3. I asked him if he wanted him that long. Then he asked me if we could be flexible. I was thinking, "Flexible? He'll have him all day, what's there to be flexible about?" But I didn't say that. What I said was, "You don't want him for that long?" He just said, "Well, what if we do dinner or something?" (Why doesn't he just do lunch? PLAN AROUND THE TIMES YOU HAVE THE BABY ASSHOLE!) Then he just said, "I'll just bring him back at 3." With that I got in my car and drove off. I headed to the gym to work through some of my feelings about all of this.

Some thoughts:

Am I being too much of a bitch by not being flexible with the times? I mean I could switch the times from 9-1. I was flexible with my daughter's father when we separated...Sort of. In thinking back we kept to a schedule pretty often. The only time we switched was when there was a party or when his or my work hours changed. Scratch that for an example. Also, there are 2 church services The Ex could go to. His church is at 9, and then at 10:40. So, why can't he go to the earlier one to get the baby back to me on time? Right? (I'm not telling him that though. It's not any of my business when he goes to church.) However, in my rationalizing me staying firm on my times, that's how I think about it. So what if his church gets out when it does. He could choose to go earlier. Since he doesn't, then I have to drive to get the baby back on time. I'm the one using more gas, but I'm keeping the times consistent, and to me, that's more important. Is this fair to me? Probably not. Am I being bitchy by standing my ground? No. While at the gym I came to the conclusion that I'll just go to church on that side of town myself, and then hang out there till it's time to pick him up. It's a win/win situation. Yes, maybe I could be a little more flexible, but not right now. I'll be flexible in the future. For now, The Ex needs to start to be consistent. The only thing that's consistent about this man is that he's not consistent. If I have to train him until he understands that, then fine.

The hardest part about this is not feeling guilty for doing so.

Short Day

Yesterday I got a text from The Ex saying that he was going to have to drop the baby off at 1 today. He normally keeps him until 3 on Saturdays. I said fine.

At 11:24, today, he called and asked if I could pick up the baby earlier. (I'm being exact about the times because I'm saving all of his. I'm not just being anal.) He was going to a wedding and had a lot of running around to do. I said I could probably be there at 12:30. (He wanted me to go get him right then when he called.) I was at the mall, enjoying my morning. A friend was meeting me there, so I had to wait for her to show up. So, I ended up leaving the mall at 12:29. I sent him a text saying I was leaving the mall then and I was sorry that I was going to be late.

He sent me this text: You might of text me alot earlier. I dragged the baby out in the heat. Now we have to wait. What the hell are you thinking.meet me at walgreens then Text me when you get there.

Hmmm...This is what I did....Nothing. I drove there, text him at 12:46, when I got there. He was already there. He was so mad at me.

This is what I wanted to do...Write him a text back that said: I have never been late, this was the first time. I have had to wait a handful of times when you have been late. One time it was over 15 minutes.

But, like I said, I didn't say that.

Let me also add this...I looked at my iPhone to see the temperature when I got there. It was 80 degrees. What the hell does he mean he had to "drag the baby out in the heat." Um, 80 degrees is nothing.

Yes, I should have sent him a text earlier, but I thought I was going to make it out in time. AND...I was doing him a favor in getting him early. So what if I was 15 minutes late, I was still getting the baby 2 hours and 15 minutes EARLY! Duh!

But, the best part of this...I didn't stay mad at him. I didn't engage in his anger, and I was able to let go of his rude behavior quickly.

Could I be learning?!

I hate his stupid ass.

I would first like to apologize for all of the anger that I have expressed on this blog. I guess The Ex would consider that yes, I am, in fact, a hateful person.

Fine. Whatever. To you, Mr. I say, "GO TO FUCKING HELL!"

Today's drop off left me angry.

My son was happy to see his father, like he usually is. The first thing out of The Ex's mouth was to complain about the marks on the baby. Yeah, so he wrote on himself today. He got into his sister's bag that she had brought home from school. I didn't know it had markers in it. I didn't see him write on himself. I didn't even notice he had the markers until he started writing on the wall. Oops. So we cleaned up the wall together, and went on our way. I'm not as concerned about the marks on his legs, they always wash off. (Yes, he's done this before.) I normally keep the markers up, but like I said, I didn't know there were markers in the bag he had. I also didn't know he would have emptied the contents of the bag. I guess I was giving him more credit than I should have.

Anyway...The Ex saw the baby and his marked up legs, and rolled his eyes. He said, "Is he doing this to himself, or is Sister?" I said that he was. Then I also said it was washable. He rolled his eyes again, and made a "hump" sound.

I was still holding the bag of diapers and clothes, so I couldn't just walk off yet. (In the future, I'm not sticking around though. I'll drop the bag by the car and leave.) He then said to me, "Are you going to have concerns about me asking for over night visits with the baby next year?"
Me-"I'm not worried about what's going to happen next year. It's too far into the future." (By the way, that's a lie, I'm a bit worried, but he doesn't need to know.)
Him-"You can foresee if you're going to have a problem with it or not."
Me-"What difference does it make if I do?"
He then got an attitude because I guess my statement was in a snotty tone. He said, "You don't have to make this difficult. I'm just asking."
Me-"I don't see any point in worrying what's going to happen a year from now."
Him-"You just answered my question." He then turned his back to me and put the baby in the car. That pissed me off. So I went around him and told the baby bye and that I would see him at 7:30.

UGH! He makes me so mad! At first I was mad at myself for saying anything to him at all. But then I was mad at him because my last statement wasn't meaning that I will be worried about him getting over nights in the future. It was meaning that in general, it doesn't do me any good to worry that far into the future. This just boils down to him being DUMB! Seriously. Anyway, I'm not worried about him getting the baby over night. I know it will be difficult for the baby, and I kind of hope it is so The Ex will have a rough time sleeping. (insert eebil laugh) No, what I'm worried about is him asking to have the baby %50 of the time. That I don't feel he deserves. Not to mention, I've never been a fan of that for the kids. I just don't see how it can be beneficial. Maybe if both parents communicated, but we don't. He still doesn't ask about the baby. No text messages about the baby. No calls. No emails saying, "Hey, how was our son's day?" Nope, nothing. He could care less. He may seem like he wants more time with the baby, but in reality, I think it's just to hurt me. He's even admitted to me that he doesn't always watch the baby when he's with him. Um, hello?

But through all of this.....What makes me most mad is the ugly look on his face. He looked like he was mad at me. Him mad at me?! I'm sorry, but he has no reason to be mad at me. What have I done? I don't answer him right away when he asks me a question? I tell him that I'm not going to worry about the future. Is that upsetting to him? What the hell have I done to piss him off? I demanded to know where he takes our son. Ooooh, bad concerned mom. You should have seen him. He looked pissed off. It's almost as if I could see the ugliness of his insides. He talks about me being filled with hate, I have a feeling he's got more hate inside of him than I do. And I'm justified! (Well, maybe for now.) ;) He talks about how his "program" doesn't "allow" him to be angry. Ha! He's got himself fooled. If he thinks that he's gotten over whatever anger he's had towards me, he truly is delusional. It was so clear to see on his face today.

And you know what? Good. I hope it eats him up inside.

(Yes, I know, I'm mean.)