Celebrating

The other night I had a divorce party. I'm actually not technically divorced yet, but that night should have been the day when my divorce was final, if it weren't for my lawyer dragging her feet. So, my friends helped throw me a party. It was more of a remembering of how special I am, and to not make the same mistake twice. Er, ah, three times. It really was just a time to celebrate with good friends and good food. I did have a nice time. I was able to complain a little, and it felt good.

I'm not sure how I was suppose to feel after the party, but I do know that I was hoping that it would make all the problems go away. I wished that it would take away the hurt and I would magically be ready to move on. Sadly, none of those things happened.

However, I do feel like I'm in a better place.

While at the party, a friend of mine was talking about how she's friendly with her ex husband. They were married for 20+ years, before they divorced. I was thinking about that. Am I being childish for keeping things the way they are between my ex and myself? I mean how, exactly, am I suppose to be friendly with this man? He lies to me, he's seen other women, he's mean to me, he tries to still control certain situations to get what he wants...Really, the list could go on. In fact, just yesterday he called me a liar! He asked me why I was being so short with him. I told him that I haven't been short with him. He then sent me this single word text, "Liar." He followed it up with, "You're different with me lately and you know it." I didn't reply to him. What does he want from me? How am I suppose to act? Am I suppose to be his friend? Am I suppose to be sicky sweet to him? Am I suppose to talk to him like I care? He does none of those things for me. What exactly is the "christian" thing to do here? I wish I could be like my friend and her ex. I think the main difference between us is that her ex husband is not an asshole. Mine is.

That's not a nice thing to say, I know.

I really wish this were easier. I wish the party I had would make it all go away, I mean that would be the easy way, right? I will say, though, I was reminded of how much I am truly loved by those around me. And you know what? That gets me through to the next day. :)

I'm an Idiot

I don't know why I keep doing stupid things.

Yesterday was horrible in the exchange of our son. I won't bore you with all the details, except to say that I accused my Ex of lying. He then had me believe that he wasn't lying, which who the hell knows if that's true or not. Either way, I apologized for what I said. I then called him later and asked him about something that the baby was doing. I didn't know if it was something that he had seen, or something new that he was doing. The Ex says he has no idea either. Then some more words were said, and he then he got mad at me, and I've been pissed at him ever since. Anyway...This morning The Ex told me that what the baby was doing had to do with something that his mom did with him. He was so proud that the baby is doing things that his mom taught him. Well, that just pisses me off. Not to mention, he's wrong about it! What she was doing with him, and what I was doing with him last night are 2 different things. I just hate how they think that they're teaching him stuff, but I'm not. Maybe they're not thinking that, but I know his mom, and she's said mean stuff like that before. So, to give her any satisfaction that he's doing anything she's taught him, really gets under my skin. And of course, I only have myself to blame for bringing it up in the first place. I swear, I never ever learn. (Although, in writing this, I have to wonder how much I'm making out of something that shouldn't matter. Sigh.)

Pictures Say a Thousand Words

I was up early this morning, 5am to be exact. I just couldn't sleep. While I was up, I started looking at old pictures. I came across a bunch with The Ex. I was noticing that there was a theme. He hardly smiled. Even when he did smile, it was half hearted. It's almost as if he was super unhappy all of the time. For a while, I thought maybe I made him that unhappy. But, then I realized I couldn't have. I didn't require much from this guy. I let him be who he was. The times he drank or used pills, I didn't really fight with him. I did the last time, when I told him I would leave if he kept it up, but the other times? Nope. I just let him be. I let him go through whatever it was he was going through. When he didn't attend his AA meetings, I didn't push the issue. I figured he'd come around eventually. So, with me just leaving him alone, how could I have made him so unhappy? Maybe I should have pushed issues more? Maybe he would have felt loved? I don't know.

Looking at all the pictures brought back memories of how I felt during that time. Even if I may have been going through things, I still smiled in my pictures. We rarely took pictures together, but I came across one. Even in that picture, I smiled. I looked happy, genuinely happy. Oddly enough, the night that picture was taken, we had had a fight. We spent most of the evening being angry with one another. The look on his face wasn't of anger, but it didn't illuminate with happiness either. I realized I must be really good at masking my feelings. I think I was also in denial. Maybe hopeful still of our marriage? I don't know. But, realize even though my pictures were filled with smiles, that didn't mean I was happy. I spent a lot of time being angry with him. Out in public, sure things would be fine. But at home...I was angry. I didn't yell at him, and he didn't always know, but on the inside, I was mad. I think if I had to do one thing over, that's what I would do differently. I wouldn't have spent so much time being angry with him.

Anyway....

This made me think about an email I received last night. I subscribe to an online divorce support group that sends out emails everyday. Here is a main point from the email.

Holding on to idealistic views of life can be a source of anger for you. Perhaps you have been holding on to dreams, which are now only myths. By clinging to what you can no longer have, you are feeding your frustration.

So true. I think I've been holding on to what I'm believe The Ex and I could have had. I think that's partly why I'm upset when he's seeing someone. Part of me is still holding on to what I wish we could have had. Then, I think that he's giving all that to his new girlfriend. (Who by the way, I don't think he's seeing anymore, but I'm not sure.) He's being this great guy to someone else. Why couldn't he give that to me? Why couldn't he be a good father/husband while he was with me? Why was he so unhappy in our pictures? Even pictures he took with the kids. It's such a mediocre smile he gives. The couple pictures I've seen of him and his girlfriend, he's super happy! Huge ass smiles and all.

Sigh.

This just reaffirms how wrong we were for one another.

Girlfriend

Why does it bother me so much that he has a girlfriend? WHY? Why do I get jealous when I know that he's spending time with her? What difference does it make to me? I don't want to be with him, so what do I care if he's with someone else?

Why, why, why?

I just don't want it to bother me anymore!

Roller Coaster

It's been a while since I've blogged. It helped that The Ex had been nice to me, so I didn't have much complaining to do.

Surprise, surprise, he pissed me off today.

Yesterday The Ex told me he was no longer in a relationship with his girlfriend. Then, that same day, he got back into a relationship with her. Like I was telling a friend of mine...The only thing consistent about this man, is that he's inconsistent. He's consistently inconsistent.

Anyway, he called me yesterday and asked me not to blog (on my other blog) about how he's been nice to me, or how he's been talking to me. He knows that his girlfriend is reading my blog everyday, so he didn't want me to say anything that would hurt her. Oh, puh-leeze. I guess it's okay for them to act the way they have towards me, right? But I have to be mindful of this woman's feelings?

I hate having to be the better person.

Then there was today.

When I picked up the baby, I was informed that he had not napped. He, of course, is napping now, at 5pm. This means I'll be up all night. I hate that The Ex doesn't keep him on his schedule. Anyway, when I got home with the baby, he started being rough with me. At one point he even hit me in the face. He had a problem with hitting in the past, but he seemed to be over that stage for some time now. I sent The Ex a text saying that if the baby's rough housing with them, then to keep an eye on it. Well, after about 30 minutes he called me. He went on and on about how the girlfriend's boys (11, 14, 17) rough house with each other, but not with the baby. He said that they do hit each other, but they're not violent. Um, I'm sorry, but isn't that the definition of being violent? I told him I didn't want details, I just wanted to tell him to keep an eye on him. I tried to cut him off, but he kept talking. The more he spoke the more he pissed me off. Part of me doesn't want to know what the baby's doing, as long as he's safe. But to hear that he's having fun with this other woman's kids, that bothers me. I realize that this could just be an issue I'm going to have to get over, but I don't know how, and for now it's just too bothersome for me. Because he's been nice to me, it made me drop my guard a bit. So, when he called, I would answer. I can't do that anymore. I can't go from him being an asshole, to him being nice, to him being an ass again. It's too emotional for me. I can't be the person he calls when he's having problems with his girlfriend. I'm not his friend. So, I've decided I need to go back to only speaking to him through text or email. He doesn't know this yet, but he'll soon figure it out.

After I got off the phone with him, I forgot to ask him something, so I called him back. He didn't answer, and I didn't leave a message. Then I sent him a text asking him to call when he had time. (This means whenever he has time. I wasn't asking him to call me right away.) So, he calls me right away and he tells me he didn't answer me when I called him because he's sitting with his girlfriend. He said that it wasn't appropriate that he was even on the phone with me at that moment. With that I told him I would talk to him on Tuesday and hung up on him. If it was so inappropriate, then why did he call me then? And, is it inappropriate? Really? I had to ask him something about the baby, but he can't talk to me while he's with his girlfriend? Am I the only one bothered by this? What if he gets married? He won't talk to me while he's with his wife? Doesn't that make it seem sneaky, like something's going on? I'm not calling him to have this great conversation with him. I calling to ask a question. What's with all the damn secrecy? He's not in the CIA!

Ugh!!!!

I'm trying so hard to be forgiving, but when he continues to hurt me, what am I suppose to do?


I gotta shake that man right outta my hair!

Father's Day

Yesterday was Father's Day.

My son was suppose to be with The Ex from 8-3. He text me the night before asking to get him at 9 instead of 8. So, he then missed out on an hour of time with his son. His choice.

That Saturday before he was suppose to get the baby from 9-3. At 11:04am, he sent me a text asking if he could drop the baby off early. I guess I didn't reply fast enough because he then called me and asked me the same thing. I asked him how early, and he said, "As soon as possible." I was headed out somewhere, so he met me there at 11:30. He had the baby for 2 and a half hours. Wow. I know it had to do with him and whatever it was that he was going through with his girlfriend. How sad that he put his own drama first. Oh, and the best part?! He left his shoes at the play area at the mall! He couldn't even remember his son's shoes! I guess I should give him credit for at least remembering his son. I was really mad about the shoes because I had just bought them. Turns out he went back yesterday and found them, but it took him a whole day to do that?

So, yesterday....I decided to be nice to The Ex for Father's Day. On Mother's Day he didn't say happy mother's day to me. No, not one word. Instead, he wished his new girlfriend a "happy, happy, happy mother's day." (Thanks again Facebook.) However, I wanted to rub it in his face that I could be nice to him, so I gave him something for Father's Day. Well, I said that it was from the baby. I gave him this inexpensive box of candy, along with some pictures of the baby and a card. On the card I put the baby's handprint on both sides. It really wasn't very pretty, the card was homemade and I didn't wrap anything. It was the idea that I wanted to get across, that I could be nice to him. You should have seen the look on his face when I gave it to him. He looked like he felt like a pile of shit. He almost seemed embarrassed. Later he sent me a text that said, "Thank you for my gifts that was very thoughtful and kind." Ha! Kind! He said I was kind!!!! I bet those words tasted good coming out of his mouth. Just the day before he said I was filled with hate and the sight of me made him sick. Ha! I won this battle, buddy!

Oh, and I guess whatever he was going through with his girlfriend ended. He dropped off the baby in her van, at the place where it's closer to her house. So, I guess him staying at his mom's only lasted 2 nights. They must have made up, those wonderful love birds. (Gag) I'm not going to lie, I was a little happy to think that they were having problems. Oh well. I wonder how long this will last. I was very curious at to what happened, but I never asked him. It took everything I had not to ask him, and I had to rely on all I've learned this past month. I'm proud to say, I didn't ask him about it. I didn't rub it in to him that they were having problems. I didn't let him know that I knew something was going on. I didn't say to him yesterday, "Oh, I see you guys have made up," like I wanted to. I let it be. I'm sure he knows I'm not stupid, and that I could figure it out. I feel victorious in that I didn't get involved.

Finally, when I picked up the baby yesterday, The Ex told me that he hadn't napped. :( It was 3 in the afternoon. He's suppose to nap from 12-3. Grrr. At 5:15 I sent him this message, "Can you please try to give (the baby) a nap when you have him for long periods. He's cranky and tired. He wants to sleep now, which means he'll be up all night. It really throws off his schedule." He replied back with, "I will. Sorry." Just like I thought, the baby slept from 6-8, then was up until 11. I hate it when that happens. I doubt that The Ex will do anything about it next time, but at least I have it down on record. My poor future lawyer will have every mundane detail The Ex and I have exchanged this past year.

Okay...On to a new day. A day where I do not have to think about The Ex....Anymore.

Yes, I Dared to Laugh

The Ex told me on Thursday that he couldn't pick up the baby on Saturday. He said he was moving things out of his storage, but of course still didn't say to his girlfriend's house. Guess he thinks I'm that stupid and can't figure it out.

Anyway, I had a feeling he'd change his mind about today, and he did.

He called me last night around 7:30pm. He asked if I had made plans with the baby. I told him nothing that would prevent him from taking the baby, if that's why he was calling. He asked if he could get the baby, that he wasn't moving his stuff out of storage. He then said that we'd be meeting at Walmart, which is halfway between his mom's and my house. This means that he stayed at his mom's house last night. And, sure enough, when he picked up the baby this morning, he came from the direction of his mom's.

Dare I think that there might be trouble in paradise?

Here's the best part.

When he pulled up, the baby was sitting on my lap, in my car. (Car was turned off.) I said to the baby, "Wanna go see daddy?" To which my 19 month old son shook his head no. What did I do? I laughed. (My bad.) And then said, "Yes you do!" I made sure my voice was happy, as to encourage him.

My passenger side window happened to be down, and The Ex heard me laugh. He asked why I laughed and I just said, "because of something the baby did." While I was getting the baby's bag out of the car, The Ex said, "You asked him if he wanted to see his dad and he shook his head no." I said, "You saw that?" Then I told him how I told the baby that he, did, in fact want to see his daddy. I then gave the baby a kiss, told him to have fun, got in my car and drove off.

I then got a series of text messages. (Again, cut and pasting, so you see all the spelling/grammar errors.)

Him- The things you find funny are pretty messed up. You enjoy anything that causes me pain. Thats why i cant stand the sight of you.

Me- I forgot to tell you that I don't have any bags for his dirty diapers, so I put a target bag in the backpack.

Him- You still make me sick

Me-I hope you and the baby have a good day today.

Him- Nice one.Are you happy that he said that he didnt want to go with me today.Doesnt that just make your day. Why dont you go blog about it and celebrate your hate

At this point I decided to be the bigger person. I figured I would be pissed he if did something like this to me, so I decided I would apologize.

Me- And you're right, I shouldn't have laughed. It caught me off guard, and that's the first time he's ever done that. I told him that he does want to go see daddy. He's a baby, he doesn't know what he wants. So whatever you're going through today don't take it out on me. I encouraged him. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I'm sorry I laughed. Do not pass judgement on me, though.

Him- Alright. But it just meshes together with all the other crap you guys said about me. Still not ok with you or your friends. So dont think my anger goes away Over night. Because anytime you do something that appears remotly cruel im probably going to get upset right now

Uh, yeah. I had no idea what to say to him at this point, so I didn't say anything. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to go about my life watching what I say because I'm afraid he's going to think I'm being cruel. Because, really, he'll think that no matter what. He can find fault in anything I do. I cannot control how he feels about me. He's just going to have to get happy in the same pants he got mad in.

Oh, and I make him sick?!!!! Well, buddy, I guess we're even then. Puh-leeze.

Through all this, I'm not really that upset with him. This is who he is. At this point, I don't expect anything nice from him. For whatever reason he's chosen to act out towards me this morning, fine. He's crazy if he thinks I'm going to sit and argue with him all day. If he's trying to ruin my day, sorry, it's not happening. Sounds like he's going through something with his girlfriend, and taking it out on me. Maybe that's why I'm happy, because I know he's suffering.

Guess that does make me the evil person he thinks I am. And you know what? I'm okay with that.

Oh, and about 20 minutes ago he sent me another text that said, "I'm sorry." Whatever.

I didn't reply back.