I'm an Idiot

I don't know why I keep doing stupid things.

Yesterday was horrible in the exchange of our son. I won't bore you with all the details, except to say that I accused my Ex of lying. He then had me believe that he wasn't lying, which who the hell knows if that's true or not. Either way, I apologized for what I said. I then called him later and asked him about something that the baby was doing. I didn't know if it was something that he had seen, or something new that he was doing. The Ex says he has no idea either. Then some more words were said, and he then he got mad at me, and I've been pissed at him ever since. Anyway...This morning The Ex told me that what the baby was doing had to do with something that his mom did with him. He was so proud that the baby is doing things that his mom taught him. Well, that just pisses me off. Not to mention, he's wrong about it! What she was doing with him, and what I was doing with him last night are 2 different things. I just hate how they think that they're teaching him stuff, but I'm not. Maybe they're not thinking that, but I know his mom, and she's said mean stuff like that before. So, to give her any satisfaction that he's doing anything she's taught him, really gets under my skin. And of course, I only have myself to blame for bringing it up in the first place. I swear, I never ever learn. (Although, in writing this, I have to wonder how much I'm making out of something that shouldn't matter. Sigh.)

Pictures Say a Thousand Words

I was up early this morning, 5am to be exact. I just couldn't sleep. While I was up, I started looking at old pictures. I came across a bunch with The Ex. I was noticing that there was a theme. He hardly smiled. Even when he did smile, it was half hearted. It's almost as if he was super unhappy all of the time. For a while, I thought maybe I made him that unhappy. But, then I realized I couldn't have. I didn't require much from this guy. I let him be who he was. The times he drank or used pills, I didn't really fight with him. I did the last time, when I told him I would leave if he kept it up, but the other times? Nope. I just let him be. I let him go through whatever it was he was going through. When he didn't attend his AA meetings, I didn't push the issue. I figured he'd come around eventually. So, with me just leaving him alone, how could I have made him so unhappy? Maybe I should have pushed issues more? Maybe he would have felt loved? I don't know.

Looking at all the pictures brought back memories of how I felt during that time. Even if I may have been going through things, I still smiled in my pictures. We rarely took pictures together, but I came across one. Even in that picture, I smiled. I looked happy, genuinely happy. Oddly enough, the night that picture was taken, we had had a fight. We spent most of the evening being angry with one another. The look on his face wasn't of anger, but it didn't illuminate with happiness either. I realized I must be really good at masking my feelings. I think I was also in denial. Maybe hopeful still of our marriage? I don't know. But, realize even though my pictures were filled with smiles, that didn't mean I was happy. I spent a lot of time being angry with him. Out in public, sure things would be fine. But at home...I was angry. I didn't yell at him, and he didn't always know, but on the inside, I was mad. I think if I had to do one thing over, that's what I would do differently. I wouldn't have spent so much time being angry with him.

Anyway....

This made me think about an email I received last night. I subscribe to an online divorce support group that sends out emails everyday. Here is a main point from the email.

Holding on to idealistic views of life can be a source of anger for you. Perhaps you have been holding on to dreams, which are now only myths. By clinging to what you can no longer have, you are feeding your frustration.

So true. I think I've been holding on to what I'm believe The Ex and I could have had. I think that's partly why I'm upset when he's seeing someone. Part of me is still holding on to what I wish we could have had. Then, I think that he's giving all that to his new girlfriend. (Who by the way, I don't think he's seeing anymore, but I'm not sure.) He's being this great guy to someone else. Why couldn't he give that to me? Why couldn't he be a good father/husband while he was with me? Why was he so unhappy in our pictures? Even pictures he took with the kids. It's such a mediocre smile he gives. The couple pictures I've seen of him and his girlfriend, he's super happy! Huge ass smiles and all.

Sigh.

This just reaffirms how wrong we were for one another.

Girlfriend

Why does it bother me so much that he has a girlfriend? WHY? Why do I get jealous when I know that he's spending time with her? What difference does it make to me? I don't want to be with him, so what do I care if he's with someone else?

Why, why, why?

I just don't want it to bother me anymore!