It's been a while since I've blogged. It helped that The Ex had been nice to me, so I didn't have much complaining to do.
Surprise, surprise, he pissed me off today.
Yesterday The Ex told me he was no longer in a relationship with his girlfriend. Then, that same day, he got back into a relationship with her. Like I was telling a friend of mine...The only thing consistent about this man, is that he's inconsistent. He's consistently inconsistent.
Anyway, he called me yesterday and asked me not to blog (on my other blog) about how he's been nice to me, or how he's been talking to me. He knows that his girlfriend is reading my blog everyday, so he didn't want me to say anything that would hurt her. Oh, puh-leeze. I guess it's okay for them to act the way they have towards me, right? But I have to be mindful of this woman's feelings?
I hate having to be the better person.
Then there was today.
When I picked up the baby, I was informed that he had not napped. He, of course, is napping now, at 5pm. This means I'll be up all night. I hate that The Ex doesn't keep him on his schedule. Anyway, when I got home with the baby, he started being rough with me. At one point he even hit me in the face. He had a problem with hitting in the past, but he seemed to be over that stage for some time now. I sent The Ex a text saying that if the baby's rough housing with them, then to keep an eye on it. Well, after about 30 minutes he called me. He went on and on about how the girlfriend's boys (11, 14, 17) rough house with each other, but not with the baby. He said that they do hit each other, but they're not violent. Um, I'm sorry, but isn't that the definition of being violent? I told him I didn't want details, I just wanted to tell him to keep an eye on him. I tried to cut him off, but he kept talking. The more he spoke the more he pissed me off. Part of me doesn't want to know what the baby's doing, as long as he's safe. But to hear that he's having fun with this other woman's kids, that bothers me. I realize that this could just be an issue I'm going to have to get over, but I don't know how, and for now it's just too bothersome for me. Because he's been nice to me, it made me drop my guard a bit. So, when he called, I would answer. I can't do that anymore. I can't go from him being an asshole, to him being nice, to him being an ass again. It's too emotional for me. I can't be the person he calls when he's having problems with his girlfriend. I'm not his friend. So, I've decided I need to go back to only speaking to him through text or email. He doesn't know this yet, but he'll soon figure it out.
After I got off the phone with him, I forgot to ask him something, so I called him back. He didn't answer, and I didn't leave a message. Then I sent him a text asking him to call when he had time. (This means whenever he has time. I wasn't asking him to call me right away.) So, he calls me right away and he tells me he didn't answer me when I called him because he's sitting with his girlfriend. He said that it wasn't appropriate that he was even on the phone with me at that moment. With that I told him I would talk to him on Tuesday and hung up on him. If it was so inappropriate, then why did he call me then? And, is it inappropriate? Really? I had to ask him something about the baby, but he can't talk to me while he's with his girlfriend? Am I the only one bothered by this? What if he gets married? He won't talk to me while he's with his wife? Doesn't that make it seem sneaky, like something's going on? I'm not calling him to have this great conversation with him. I calling to ask a question. What's with all the damn secrecy? He's not in the CIA!
Ugh!!!!
I'm trying so hard to be forgiving, but when he continues to hurt me, what am I suppose to do?
I gotta shake that man right outta my hair!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Father's Day
Yesterday was Father's Day.
My son was suppose to be with The Ex from 8-3. He text me the night before asking to get him at 9 instead of 8. So, he then missed out on an hour of time with his son. His choice.
That Saturday before he was suppose to get the baby from 9-3. At 11:04am, he sent me a text asking if he could drop the baby off early. I guess I didn't reply fast enough because he then called me and asked me the same thing. I asked him how early, and he said, "As soon as possible." I was headed out somewhere, so he met me there at 11:30. He had the baby for 2 and a half hours. Wow. I know it had to do with him and whatever it was that he was going through with his girlfriend. How sad that he put his own drama first. Oh, and the best part?! He left his shoes at the play area at the mall! He couldn't even remember his son's shoes! I guess I should give him credit for at least remembering his son. I was really mad about the shoes because I had just bought them. Turns out he went back yesterday and found them, but it took him a whole day to do that?
So, yesterday....I decided to be nice to The Ex for Father's Day. On Mother's Day he didn't say happy mother's day to me. No, not one word. Instead, he wished his new girlfriend a "happy, happy, happy mother's day." (Thanks again Facebook.) However, I wanted to rub it in his face that I could be nice to him, so I gave him something for Father's Day. Well, I said that it was from the baby. I gave him this inexpensive box of candy, along with some pictures of the baby and a card. On the card I put the baby's handprint on both sides. It really wasn't very pretty, the card was homemade and I didn't wrap anything. It was the idea that I wanted to get across, that I could be nice to him. You should have seen the look on his face when I gave it to him. He looked like he felt like a pile of shit. He almost seemed embarrassed. Later he sent me a text that said, "Thank you for my gifts that was very thoughtful and kind." Ha! Kind! He said I was kind!!!! I bet those words tasted good coming out of his mouth. Just the day before he said I was filled with hate and the sight of me made him sick. Ha! I won this battle, buddy!
Oh, and I guess whatever he was going through with his girlfriend ended. He dropped off the baby in her van, at the place where it's closer to her house. So, I guess him staying at his mom's only lasted 2 nights. They must have made up, those wonderful love birds. (Gag) I'm not going to lie, I was a little happy to think that they were having problems. Oh well. I wonder how long this will last. I was very curious at to what happened, but I never asked him. It took everything I had not to ask him, and I had to rely on all I've learned this past month. I'm proud to say, I didn't ask him about it. I didn't rub it in to him that they were having problems. I didn't let him know that I knew something was going on. I didn't say to him yesterday, "Oh, I see you guys have made up," like I wanted to. I let it be. I'm sure he knows I'm not stupid, and that I could figure it out. I feel victorious in that I didn't get involved.
Finally, when I picked up the baby yesterday, The Ex told me that he hadn't napped. :( It was 3 in the afternoon. He's suppose to nap from 12-3. Grrr. At 5:15 I sent him this message, "Can you please try to give (the baby) a nap when you have him for long periods. He's cranky and tired. He wants to sleep now, which means he'll be up all night. It really throws off his schedule." He replied back with, "I will. Sorry." Just like I thought, the baby slept from 6-8, then was up until 11. I hate it when that happens. I doubt that The Ex will do anything about it next time, but at least I have it down on record. My poor future lawyer will have every mundane detail The Ex and I have exchanged this past year.
Okay...On to a new day. A day where I do not have to think about The Ex....Anymore.
My son was suppose to be with The Ex from 8-3. He text me the night before asking to get him at 9 instead of 8. So, he then missed out on an hour of time with his son. His choice.
That Saturday before he was suppose to get the baby from 9-3. At 11:04am, he sent me a text asking if he could drop the baby off early. I guess I didn't reply fast enough because he then called me and asked me the same thing. I asked him how early, and he said, "As soon as possible." I was headed out somewhere, so he met me there at 11:30. He had the baby for 2 and a half hours. Wow. I know it had to do with him and whatever it was that he was going through with his girlfriend. How sad that he put his own drama first. Oh, and the best part?! He left his shoes at the play area at the mall! He couldn't even remember his son's shoes! I guess I should give him credit for at least remembering his son. I was really mad about the shoes because I had just bought them. Turns out he went back yesterday and found them, but it took him a whole day to do that?
So, yesterday....I decided to be nice to The Ex for Father's Day. On Mother's Day he didn't say happy mother's day to me. No, not one word. Instead, he wished his new girlfriend a "happy, happy, happy mother's day." (Thanks again Facebook.) However, I wanted to rub it in his face that I could be nice to him, so I gave him something for Father's Day. Well, I said that it was from the baby. I gave him this inexpensive box of candy, along with some pictures of the baby and a card. On the card I put the baby's handprint on both sides. It really wasn't very pretty, the card was homemade and I didn't wrap anything. It was the idea that I wanted to get across, that I could be nice to him. You should have seen the look on his face when I gave it to him. He looked like he felt like a pile of shit. He almost seemed embarrassed. Later he sent me a text that said, "Thank you for my gifts that was very thoughtful and kind." Ha! Kind! He said I was kind!!!! I bet those words tasted good coming out of his mouth. Just the day before he said I was filled with hate and the sight of me made him sick. Ha! I won this battle, buddy!
Oh, and I guess whatever he was going through with his girlfriend ended. He dropped off the baby in her van, at the place where it's closer to her house. So, I guess him staying at his mom's only lasted 2 nights. They must have made up, those wonderful love birds. (Gag) I'm not going to lie, I was a little happy to think that they were having problems. Oh well. I wonder how long this will last. I was very curious at to what happened, but I never asked him. It took everything I had not to ask him, and I had to rely on all I've learned this past month. I'm proud to say, I didn't ask him about it. I didn't rub it in to him that they were having problems. I didn't let him know that I knew something was going on. I didn't say to him yesterday, "Oh, I see you guys have made up," like I wanted to. I let it be. I'm sure he knows I'm not stupid, and that I could figure it out. I feel victorious in that I didn't get involved.
Finally, when I picked up the baby yesterday, The Ex told me that he hadn't napped. :( It was 3 in the afternoon. He's suppose to nap from 12-3. Grrr. At 5:15 I sent him this message, "Can you please try to give (the baby) a nap when you have him for long periods. He's cranky and tired. He wants to sleep now, which means he'll be up all night. It really throws off his schedule." He replied back with, "I will. Sorry." Just like I thought, the baby slept from 6-8, then was up until 11. I hate it when that happens. I doubt that The Ex will do anything about it next time, but at least I have it down on record. My poor future lawyer will have every mundane detail The Ex and I have exchanged this past year.
Okay...On to a new day. A day where I do not have to think about The Ex....Anymore.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Yes, I Dared to Laugh
The Ex told me on Thursday that he couldn't pick up the baby on Saturday. He said he was moving things out of his storage, but of course still didn't say to his girlfriend's house. Guess he thinks I'm that stupid and can't figure it out.
Anyway, I had a feeling he'd change his mind about today, and he did.
He called me last night around 7:30pm. He asked if I had made plans with the baby. I told him nothing that would prevent him from taking the baby, if that's why he was calling. He asked if he could get the baby, that he wasn't moving his stuff out of storage. He then said that we'd be meeting at Walmart, which is halfway between his mom's and my house. This means that he stayed at his mom's house last night. And, sure enough, when he picked up the baby this morning, he came from the direction of his mom's.
Dare I think that there might be trouble in paradise?
Here's the best part.
When he pulled up, the baby was sitting on my lap, in my car. (Car was turned off.) I said to the baby, "Wanna go see daddy?" To which my 19 month old son shook his head no. What did I do? I laughed. (My bad.) And then said, "Yes you do!" I made sure my voice was happy, as to encourage him.
My passenger side window happened to be down, and The Ex heard me laugh. He asked why I laughed and I just said, "because of something the baby did." While I was getting the baby's bag out of the car, The Ex said, "You asked him if he wanted to see his dad and he shook his head no." I said, "You saw that?" Then I told him how I told the baby that he, did, in fact want to see his daddy. I then gave the baby a kiss, told him to have fun, got in my car and drove off.
I then got a series of text messages. (Again, cut and pasting, so you see all the spelling/grammar errors.)
Him- The things you find funny are pretty messed up. You enjoy anything that causes me pain. Thats why i cant stand the sight of you.
Me- I forgot to tell you that I don't have any bags for his dirty diapers, so I put a target bag in the backpack.
Him- You still make me sick
Me-I hope you and the baby have a good day today.
Him- Nice one.Are you happy that he said that he didnt want to go with me today.Doesnt that just make your day. Why dont you go blog about it and celebrate your hate
At this point I decided to be the bigger person. I figured I would be pissed he if did something like this to me, so I decided I would apologize.
Me- And you're right, I shouldn't have laughed. It caught me off guard, and that's the first time he's ever done that. I told him that he does want to go see daddy. He's a baby, he doesn't know what he wants. So whatever you're going through today don't take it out on me. I encouraged him. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I'm sorry I laughed. Do not pass judgement on me, though.
Him- Alright. But it just meshes together with all the other crap you guys said about me. Still not ok with you or your friends. So dont think my anger goes away Over night. Because anytime you do something that appears remotly cruel im probably going to get upset right now
Uh, yeah. I had no idea what to say to him at this point, so I didn't say anything. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to go about my life watching what I say because I'm afraid he's going to think I'm being cruel. Because, really, he'll think that no matter what. He can find fault in anything I do. I cannot control how he feels about me. He's just going to have to get happy in the same pants he got mad in.
Oh, and I make him sick?!!!! Well, buddy, I guess we're even then. Puh-leeze.
Through all this, I'm not really that upset with him. This is who he is. At this point, I don't expect anything nice from him. For whatever reason he's chosen to act out towards me this morning, fine. He's crazy if he thinks I'm going to sit and argue with him all day. If he's trying to ruin my day, sorry, it's not happening. Sounds like he's going through something with his girlfriend, and taking it out on me. Maybe that's why I'm happy, because I know he's suffering.
Guess that does make me the evil person he thinks I am. And you know what? I'm okay with that.
Oh, and about 20 minutes ago he sent me another text that said, "I'm sorry." Whatever.
I didn't reply back.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Meeting
While at Target today, I ran into The Ex's girlfriend's granddaughter.
We were walking, and I saw this little girl who looked familiar. (Thanks Facebook.) She then went up to my son and said to whomever she was with, "I know him. That's (insert my son's name). He goes to my grandma (insert The Ex's girlfriend's name) house."
That's when I knew who it was.
I just said, "Oh yeah." Then I grabbed my son and we kept walking. Oh, and I smiled at the 2 women she was with.
I text The Ex later and told him. I debated telling him, then decided I should. What if the little girl says something to them and then he gets mad at me. Then after I thought that, I thought that maybe telling him was a bad idea. It's like I'm still under his control, you know? But, I had already sent him the text, so it was too late to take it back. I just told him I met his girlfriend's granddaughter. He just said, "Wow, you met her daughter." I told him no, that she was with 2 older women. Then I told him what she had said, and that I just smiled at them and kept walking. Now I'm worrying that he's going to think I was being rude, or that I.....Who knows. He always seems to twist my words. Which, again, made me regret telling him.
Ugh!
I hate making the wrong choices!
I should have not said anything to him. Then if she said something, I could have countered with, "How was I suppose to know who she is?" Or, "I didn't think it mattered if I told you or not." Or whatever.
Fail, Ms. Doe!
Okay, so for next time, when I see someone he knows, his family, or his girlfriend...What do I do? I need to prepare myself. This time it was hard because it was the little girl (3 or 4) who came up to my son. I can't really take out my issues onto her. And, she spoke to us. I wish I had known who she was, because then I would have went the other way.
Sigh. Oh well. Lesson learned.
We were walking, and I saw this little girl who looked familiar. (Thanks Facebook.) She then went up to my son and said to whomever she was with, "I know him. That's (insert my son's name). He goes to my grandma (insert The Ex's girlfriend's name) house."
That's when I knew who it was.
I just said, "Oh yeah." Then I grabbed my son and we kept walking. Oh, and I smiled at the 2 women she was with.
I text The Ex later and told him. I debated telling him, then decided I should. What if the little girl says something to them and then he gets mad at me. Then after I thought that, I thought that maybe telling him was a bad idea. It's like I'm still under his control, you know? But, I had already sent him the text, so it was too late to take it back. I just told him I met his girlfriend's granddaughter. He just said, "Wow, you met her daughter." I told him no, that she was with 2 older women. Then I told him what she had said, and that I just smiled at them and kept walking. Now I'm worrying that he's going to think I was being rude, or that I.....Who knows. He always seems to twist my words. Which, again, made me regret telling him.
Ugh!
I hate making the wrong choices!
I should have not said anything to him. Then if she said something, I could have countered with, "How was I suppose to know who she is?" Or, "I didn't think it mattered if I told you or not." Or whatever.
Fail, Ms. Doe!
Okay, so for next time, when I see someone he knows, his family, or his girlfriend...What do I do? I need to prepare myself. This time it was hard because it was the little girl (3 or 4) who came up to my son. I can't really take out my issues onto her. And, she spoke to us. I wish I had known who she was, because then I would have went the other way.
Sigh. Oh well. Lesson learned.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Birthday
Today is The Ex's girlfriend's birthday.
She's 41 or 42. (Ha, ha, I'm 10 years younger.)
For some reason I feel sad about this. I just imagine The Ex doing all these great things for her, making her day special. For my birthday last year he gave me a present that he gave to his mom some years ago, asked for it back, then gave it to me. Essentially, I got a used present. He did, however, pick up a cake for me, but it wasn't what I would have picked for myself. I guess I have to at least give him credit for that. The year before he got mad at me for taking a day off of work, to go to my surprise party. He knew about it, but I guess had forgotten. So when I told him I was taking the day off to go to this thing (I forget what the cover up thing was), he told me that I should work and not loose out on the day of pay.
Anyway...I can picture him being the best boyfriend to his girlfriend. He also has our son tonight. So I guess he'll be celebrating with them as well. I just don't like it.
I think I'm just feeling sorry for myself today. I wish he could have been a better husband to me.
She's 41 or 42. (Ha, ha, I'm 10 years younger.)
For some reason I feel sad about this. I just imagine The Ex doing all these great things for her, making her day special. For my birthday last year he gave me a present that he gave to his mom some years ago, asked for it back, then gave it to me. Essentially, I got a used present. He did, however, pick up a cake for me, but it wasn't what I would have picked for myself. I guess I have to at least give him credit for that. The year before he got mad at me for taking a day off of work, to go to my surprise party. He knew about it, but I guess had forgotten. So when I told him I was taking the day off to go to this thing (I forget what the cover up thing was), he told me that I should work and not loose out on the day of pay.
Anyway...I can picture him being the best boyfriend to his girlfriend. He also has our son tonight. So I guess he'll be celebrating with them as well. I just don't like it.
I think I'm just feeling sorry for myself today. I wish he could have been a better husband to me.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
It's Happened
He's living with her.
I knew this day would come, but I'm still not ready to face it. I know it shouldn't be the end of the world, but it feels awful.
Even worse? He didn't tell me about it. I found out by searching for his name online. His name is listed under her address under one of those people searches. I've had this feeling for a while that he had moved in with her, but of course he wasn't going to be honest with me about it. In fact, I asked him last week sometime, and he told me no. He hasn't even had the courtesy to tell me. Isn't this something I should know?
He's sleeping in her bed on a regular basis. He's acting like a father to her 3 sons.
I feel sick to my stomach.
This woman still doesn't have the guts to meet me face to face.
I want to say something to him about it.
I want this marriage to be over. Who knows when that will happen, as my lawyer has decided to stop communicating with me. Not to mention, she hasn't done all the work on my case that she's said she's done.
I feel like I've just been shit on.
I want to go out and have crazy sex, then let The Ex know about it.
I have to remind myself that this is what he does. He finds women to take care of him. He weasels his way into her life. He pretends to be this great guy.
Doesn't he feel guilty? While he has sex with this other woman, does he think how maybe he shouldn't be? We hardly ever had sex, and I was his wife. Yet he can move in and sleep with this other woman, and still be married to me? How can he go to church and have a clear conscience about this?
I hate that this hurts me.
Fuck him.
I knew this day would come, but I'm still not ready to face it. I know it shouldn't be the end of the world, but it feels awful.
Even worse? He didn't tell me about it. I found out by searching for his name online. His name is listed under her address under one of those people searches. I've had this feeling for a while that he had moved in with her, but of course he wasn't going to be honest with me about it. In fact, I asked him last week sometime, and he told me no. He hasn't even had the courtesy to tell me. Isn't this something I should know?
He's sleeping in her bed on a regular basis. He's acting like a father to her 3 sons.
I feel sick to my stomach.
This woman still doesn't have the guts to meet me face to face.
I want to say something to him about it.
I want this marriage to be over. Who knows when that will happen, as my lawyer has decided to stop communicating with me. Not to mention, she hasn't done all the work on my case that she's said she's done.
I feel like I've just been shit on.
I want to go out and have crazy sex, then let The Ex know about it.
I have to remind myself that this is what he does. He finds women to take care of him. He weasels his way into her life. He pretends to be this great guy.
Doesn't he feel guilty? While he has sex with this other woman, does he think how maybe he shouldn't be? We hardly ever had sex, and I was his wife. Yet he can move in and sleep with this other woman, and still be married to me? How can he go to church and have a clear conscience about this?
I hate that this hurts me.
Fuck him.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Avoiding Me
I realize that it's only been a handful of hours since I last blogged, but I wanted to talk about what happened at pick-up.
I went to The Ex's church to pick up the baby like I wrote about earlier. I got there about 15 minutes early. I found The Ex's girlfriend's van, and parked by it. Everyone else started to get out about 10 minutes till 12. I saw The Ex wander over around 12. It was because he put the baby in the nursery and had to go pick him up. Hmmm, yet he complains about missing out on time with the baby when he naps, but he'll put him in the nursery at church?
Anyway...I was expecting to see his girlfriend. She was there, but I'm guessing she's still not ready to meet me. She stayed away until I left. The Ex brought the baby to me. Then after I got in the car. He got on the phone and probably called his girlfriend, because he was on for a second. Then he walked up towards the church. He looked around for a minute, then disappeared.
How long are they going to go out of their way to avoid me? Wait...How long is she going to go out of her way to avoid me? Really? This is getting old. What the hell does she have against me? Um, she's the one dating a married man. Maybe that's her problem. Is she afraid I'm going to fly off the handle and slap her? Maybe grab her by the hair and drag her through the church parking lot? Puh-leeze.
Grow up grandma. If you didn't want to have to deal with someones baby mama, then maybe you should have dated someone without kids. Or, better yet, waited until they were divorced. Or, even better yet, not stalk the wife. (Wow, weird to say wife. Yeah, technically I still have a husband.) I'm guessing you feel guilty? Maybe you know that I know that you're stalking me. Or, maybe you know that I know you're "the other woman." (technically) I bet it's because you're a shit starter and you realize I'm not. You're just embarrassed.
Well guess what? Get over it. Act like an adult and stop avoiding me. Or you know what? Don't. I really don't care. I actually drove away with a smile on my face. Know why? Because I'm not afraid of seeing you. I'm okay with me and my decision. Maybe you need to be okay with you and yours.
Giving In?
I think the reason why I dread pick up and drop off so often is because The Ex tends to make it difficult for me. He uses this time to ask me questions or to talk to me about things. I think he knows that he has me trapped, and that I'm not going to just throw the baby at him and run.
Today was no different.
It started off with a text at 7:26am. This is the text:
Can we do 9 to 1 instead. Church will be running late again today. That means i will be late again
Can we do 9 to 1 instead. Church will be running late again today. That means i will be late again
I have a couple of thoughts about this. First off, how does he know that church is going to run late? Secondly, he's admitting that he was late before. See, he even said that he will be late again. AGAIN! So I was right when I said yesterday that he's been late before, he even admitted it to me this morning. Ha!
I sent him a text back telling him that the baby had a party to go to at 12. I told him I would just pick up the baby at his church at 12.
I get the baby ready, and we head over to our meeting spot. One he gets there, The Ex asks me if he can get the baby on Sunday's from 9-1 instead (the court papers say 8-12). I told him that the baby naps around 11 or 12. So, if I get him back at 12, then I can take him home and put him down for a nap. I told him that his weekends are all screwed up. He sleeps at odd times then he's up late, and that's too hard for us all. So, if this is going to be a problem, then I'll just drive to his church and pick him up. The Ex started asking if I was going to always be on that side of town. I told him no, but I need him to nap, so I'll just pick him up. Of course he was fine with that. That is, me wasting my gas. After that, he starts to complain. He feels that it's not fair that he has him during his nap time. He thinks that he's missing out on time with him because he's sleeping. Boo-hoo. He's told me a couple weeks ago that he doesn't always watch him when he has the baby. He said that sometimes he's playing with his girlfriend's sons. So, um, now he's complaining that the baby is sleeping during his time. WTF Ever. I told him that I understood what he's saying (we were both calm and not really fighting), but that the baby needed his naps. I said, "I'm sorry, but he needs to sleep. He's a baby, he needs his naps." The Ex kept asking if I could see where he was coming from. I said, "Yes, but I don't have an answer for you." He said, "Of course you don't, it's my problem, not yours." Not sure if he was being sarcastic or not, but it sure sounded like he was. I didn't reply to that. Then he asked if he had the baby next Sunday because it was Father's Day. I told him yes, and that the court papers say he gets him from 8-3. I asked him if he wanted him that long. Then he asked me if we could be flexible. I was thinking, "Flexible? He'll have him all day, what's there to be flexible about?" But I didn't say that. What I said was, "You don't want him for that long?" He just said, "Well, what if we do dinner or something?" (Why doesn't he just do lunch? PLAN AROUND THE TIMES YOU HAVE THE BABY ASSHOLE!) Then he just said, "I'll just bring him back at 3." With that I got in my car and drove off. I headed to the gym to work through some of my feelings about all of this.
Some thoughts:
Am I being too much of a bitch by not being flexible with the times? I mean I could switch the times from 9-1. I was flexible with my daughter's father when we separated...Sort of. In thinking back we kept to a schedule pretty often. The only time we switched was when there was a party or when his or my work hours changed. Scratch that for an example. Also, there are 2 church services The Ex could go to. His church is at 9, and then at 10:40. So, why can't he go to the earlier one to get the baby back to me on time? Right? (I'm not telling him that though. It's not any of my business when he goes to church.) However, in my rationalizing me staying firm on my times, that's how I think about it. So what if his church gets out when it does. He could choose to go earlier. Since he doesn't, then I have to drive to get the baby back on time. I'm the one using more gas, but I'm keeping the times consistent, and to me, that's more important. Is this fair to me? Probably not. Am I being bitchy by standing my ground? No. While at the gym I came to the conclusion that I'll just go to church on that side of town myself, and then hang out there till it's time to pick him up. It's a win/win situation. Yes, maybe I could be a little more flexible, but not right now. I'll be flexible in the future. For now, The Ex needs to start to be consistent. The only thing that's consistent about this man is that he's not consistent. If I have to train him until he understands that, then fine.
The hardest part about this is not feeling guilty for doing so.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Short Day
Yesterday I got a text from The Ex saying that he was going to have to drop the baby off at 1 today. He normally keeps him until 3 on Saturdays. I said fine.
At 11:24, today, he called and asked if I could pick up the baby earlier. (I'm being exact about the times because I'm saving all of his. I'm not just being anal.) He was going to a wedding and had a lot of running around to do. I said I could probably be there at 12:30. (He wanted me to go get him right then when he called.) I was at the mall, enjoying my morning. A friend was meeting me there, so I had to wait for her to show up. So, I ended up leaving the mall at 12:29. I sent him a text saying I was leaving the mall then and I was sorry that I was going to be late.
He sent me this text: You might of text me alot earlier. I dragged the baby out in the heat. Now we have to wait. What the hell are you thinking.meet me at walgreens then Text me when you get there.
Hmmm...This is what I did....Nothing. I drove there, text him at 12:46, when I got there. He was already there. He was so mad at me.
This is what I wanted to do...Write him a text back that said: I have never been late, this was the first time. I have had to wait a handful of times when you have been late. One time it was over 15 minutes.
But, like I said, I didn't say that.
Let me also add this...I looked at my iPhone to see the temperature when I got there. It was 80 degrees. What the hell does he mean he had to "drag the baby out in the heat." Um, 80 degrees is nothing.
Yes, I should have sent him a text earlier, but I thought I was going to make it out in time. AND...I was doing him a favor in getting him early. So what if I was 15 minutes late, I was still getting the baby 2 hours and 15 minutes EARLY! Duh!
But, the best part of this...I didn't stay mad at him. I didn't engage in his anger, and I was able to let go of his rude behavior quickly.
Could I be learning?!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I hate his stupid ass.
I would first like to apologize for all of the anger that I have expressed on this blog. I guess The Ex would consider that yes, I am, in fact, a hateful person.
Fine. Whatever. To you, Mr. I say, "GO TO FUCKING HELL!"
Today's drop off left me angry.
My son was happy to see his father, like he usually is. The first thing out of The Ex's mouth was to complain about the marks on the baby. Yeah, so he wrote on himself today. He got into his sister's bag that she had brought home from school. I didn't know it had markers in it. I didn't see him write on himself. I didn't even notice he had the markers until he started writing on the wall. Oops. So we cleaned up the wall together, and went on our way. I'm not as concerned about the marks on his legs, they always wash off. (Yes, he's done this before.) I normally keep the markers up, but like I said, I didn't know there were markers in the bag he had. I also didn't know he would have emptied the contents of the bag. I guess I was giving him more credit than I should have.
Anyway...The Ex saw the baby and his marked up legs, and rolled his eyes. He said, "Is he doing this to himself, or is Sister?" I said that he was. Then I also said it was washable. He rolled his eyes again, and made a "hump" sound.
I was still holding the bag of diapers and clothes, so I couldn't just walk off yet. (In the future, I'm not sticking around though. I'll drop the bag by the car and leave.) He then said to me, "Are you going to have concerns about me asking for over night visits with the baby next year?"
Me-"I'm not worried about what's going to happen next year. It's too far into the future." (By the way, that's a lie, I'm a bit worried, but he doesn't need to know.)
Him-"You can foresee if you're going to have a problem with it or not."
Me-"What difference does it make if I do?"
He then got an attitude because I guess my statement was in a snotty tone. He said, "You don't have to make this difficult. I'm just asking."
Me-"I don't see any point in worrying what's going to happen a year from now."
Him-"You just answered my question." He then turned his back to me and put the baby in the car. That pissed me off. So I went around him and told the baby bye and that I would see him at 7:30.
UGH! He makes me so mad! At first I was mad at myself for saying anything to him at all. But then I was mad at him because my last statement wasn't meaning that I will be worried about him getting over nights in the future. It was meaning that in general, it doesn't do me any good to worry that far into the future. This just boils down to him being DUMB! Seriously. Anyway, I'm not worried about him getting the baby over night. I know it will be difficult for the baby, and I kind of hope it is so The Ex will have a rough time sleeping. (insert eebil laugh) No, what I'm worried about is him asking to have the baby %50 of the time. That I don't feel he deserves. Not to mention, I've never been a fan of that for the kids. I just don't see how it can be beneficial. Maybe if both parents communicated, but we don't. He still doesn't ask about the baby. No text messages about the baby. No calls. No emails saying, "Hey, how was our son's day?" Nope, nothing. He could care less. He may seem like he wants more time with the baby, but in reality, I think it's just to hurt me. He's even admitted to me that he doesn't always watch the baby when he's with him. Um, hello?
But through all of this.....What makes me most mad is the ugly look on his face. He looked like he was mad at me. Him mad at me?! I'm sorry, but he has no reason to be mad at me. What have I done? I don't answer him right away when he asks me a question? I tell him that I'm not going to worry about the future. Is that upsetting to him? What the hell have I done to piss him off? I demanded to know where he takes our son. Ooooh, bad concerned mom. You should have seen him. He looked pissed off. It's almost as if I could see the ugliness of his insides. He talks about me being filled with hate, I have a feeling he's got more hate inside of him than I do. And I'm justified! (Well, maybe for now.) ;) He talks about how his "program" doesn't "allow" him to be angry. Ha! He's got himself fooled. If he thinks that he's gotten over whatever anger he's had towards me, he truly is delusional. It was so clear to see on his face today.
And you know what? Good. I hope it eats him up inside.
(Yes, I know, I'm mean.)
Fine. Whatever. To you, Mr. I say, "GO TO FUCKING HELL!"
Today's drop off left me angry.
My son was happy to see his father, like he usually is. The first thing out of The Ex's mouth was to complain about the marks on the baby. Yeah, so he wrote on himself today. He got into his sister's bag that she had brought home from school. I didn't know it had markers in it. I didn't see him write on himself. I didn't even notice he had the markers until he started writing on the wall. Oops. So we cleaned up the wall together, and went on our way. I'm not as concerned about the marks on his legs, they always wash off. (Yes, he's done this before.) I normally keep the markers up, but like I said, I didn't know there were markers in the bag he had. I also didn't know he would have emptied the contents of the bag. I guess I was giving him more credit than I should have.
Anyway...The Ex saw the baby and his marked up legs, and rolled his eyes. He said, "Is he doing this to himself, or is Sister?" I said that he was. Then I also said it was washable. He rolled his eyes again, and made a "hump" sound.
I was still holding the bag of diapers and clothes, so I couldn't just walk off yet. (In the future, I'm not sticking around though. I'll drop the bag by the car and leave.) He then said to me, "Are you going to have concerns about me asking for over night visits with the baby next year?"
Me-"I'm not worried about what's going to happen next year. It's too far into the future." (By the way, that's a lie, I'm a bit worried, but he doesn't need to know.)
Him-"You can foresee if you're going to have a problem with it or not."
Me-"What difference does it make if I do?"
He then got an attitude because I guess my statement was in a snotty tone. He said, "You don't have to make this difficult. I'm just asking."
Me-"I don't see any point in worrying what's going to happen a year from now."
Him-"You just answered my question." He then turned his back to me and put the baby in the car. That pissed me off. So I went around him and told the baby bye and that I would see him at 7:30.
UGH! He makes me so mad! At first I was mad at myself for saying anything to him at all. But then I was mad at him because my last statement wasn't meaning that I will be worried about him getting over nights in the future. It was meaning that in general, it doesn't do me any good to worry that far into the future. This just boils down to him being DUMB! Seriously. Anyway, I'm not worried about him getting the baby over night. I know it will be difficult for the baby, and I kind of hope it is so The Ex will have a rough time sleeping. (insert eebil laugh) No, what I'm worried about is him asking to have the baby %50 of the time. That I don't feel he deserves. Not to mention, I've never been a fan of that for the kids. I just don't see how it can be beneficial. Maybe if both parents communicated, but we don't. He still doesn't ask about the baby. No text messages about the baby. No calls. No emails saying, "Hey, how was our son's day?" Nope, nothing. He could care less. He may seem like he wants more time with the baby, but in reality, I think it's just to hurt me. He's even admitted to me that he doesn't always watch the baby when he's with him. Um, hello?
But through all of this.....What makes me most mad is the ugly look on his face. He looked like he was mad at me. Him mad at me?! I'm sorry, but he has no reason to be mad at me. What have I done? I don't answer him right away when he asks me a question? I tell him that I'm not going to worry about the future. Is that upsetting to him? What the hell have I done to piss him off? I demanded to know where he takes our son. Ooooh, bad concerned mom. You should have seen him. He looked pissed off. It's almost as if I could see the ugliness of his insides. He talks about me being filled with hate, I have a feeling he's got more hate inside of him than I do. And I'm justified! (Well, maybe for now.) ;) He talks about how his "program" doesn't "allow" him to be angry. Ha! He's got himself fooled. If he thinks that he's gotten over whatever anger he's had towards me, he truly is delusional. It was so clear to see on his face today.
And you know what? Good. I hope it eats him up inside.
(Yes, I know, I'm mean.)
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Wake up call.
This morning (at 6:30 am, before my alarm went off) I got a text message from The Ex. He sent me the address to his girlfriend's house.
Point Ms. Doe.
Turns out, it was the same address that I had found on my own. So, this means that The Ex has lied to me. He told me that she did not live there. This also means that we are meeting way closer to her place than to mine. Tomorrow that will change. If I'm always driving over there, he can drive over here closer to me. He is such a liar! It's almost as if everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie.
I have no idea if he's living there, but I know that he's there quite often. We're meeting by his girlfriend's house every time. (And he's there all weekend, and yesterday he went there after work and changed.) This tells me that he's there all the time, which is why I felt like I needed to have her address. I had no idea where he was taking our son. And he's there every time he takes the baby on his days. So shouldn't I have the address? Not to mention, the custody papers say that I should.
Anyway...
I then get the next text message from The Ex. (I copied and pasted it, so what you see is exactly what he typed.)
"Can i ask? Are you planning on going back to work or school?"
I then remembered the advice my therapist gave me before I offer information to him (and people like him). She said to ask questions, be vague, and set boundaries. So, I replied back with a question.
"Why are you curious?"
The Ex- "Because financially it hurts me the longer you remain unemployed. I dont mind doing my part i have 2. But i feel taken advantage of financially
I believe it is a valid concern and question. I do have a right a ask only because your actions or lack of, is affecting my pocket book"
Me- "Wether or not I have a job doesn't affect you financially. The child support amount would be the same either way. And you're always responsible for half of the dr bills, that doesn't change either. So I'm not sure how it effects you financially."
The Ex- "Eventually i will have to pay more if you choose not to work.Our contract is 4 one year only.i hope u go back 2 work 1 day because our son deserves better"
Me- "What we have in writing is not for just one year, it's until one of us goes back to court to change it."
The Ex- "Well i do plan on going back in one year to get half the rights to my son, which i deserve.plus more time with him and over nights
Im not trying 2 b mean.just like u have concerns and your always expressing them 2 me.well i have a few my self.and i have a right 2 ask"
First off, what the hell is he talking about? Why in the world does he think that he's being taken advantage of financially? I don't ask him for money. He only pays child support, and half of our son's dr bills. He also pay for our son on his insurance. (And my daughter and myself until we are divorced.) Other than that...He's in no way financially responsible for me. So, I have no idea what he's talking about.
Secondly, our son deserves better?! How dare he say that to me! Yeah, because going to work full time is better to our son, than me being with him all day. Um, if I work full time, our son will have to be in a daycare or at a babysitter. So, um, yeah, that's way better for him.
Finally, I knew that he was going to take me back to court. I hate thinking about when that day will come. This kinda goes along with what I was saying yesterday. I guess I'm going to have to do the best I can and not worry about it. All I can do is keep track of all of his b.s., and hope for the best when the time comes. (Easier said than done, that's for sure.)
Sigh.
Well, I never answered his original question. Obviously I will have to get a job. I can't live with my grandparents forever, and I have bills to pay. It's just that I don't feel that he needs to worry about stuff like that. I'm none of his concern anymore.
I hate that he ruined my morning. Jerk-off.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
I had a thought today...
It seems that I've been spending an enormous amount of my time focusing on The Ex. It's like he's with me all the time, because I'm thinking of him and his girlfriend all the time. I think of how she's better than me. I think of how she's stalking my blog. I think of how much she thinks her "Babe" is such a hot looking man, and how happy they are together. *Gag* I spend my time trying to catch him in lies. I think about how much of a jerk he is, and how he's treated me awfully. Sometimes I think about how things could have been better. Could I have been nicer to him? What if I approached him more? What if I just did everything he said without fighting? What if I asked him to do things, instead of just waiting for him to do them? I'll sometimes wonder if it really was as bad as I thought it was.
Then, today, as I was marking down his AA meetings, and thinking about how he might have lied about one of them again, it occurred to me that I'm spending too much time thinking about him. I think part of this aspect of it, is that I'm thinking about the future and possible custody issues. I'm worried that if I don't keep track of how bad of a person he is, then he'll get awarded joint custody. I can not stand the fact that my son would be away from me that much. However, living this far into the future is killing me. I'm so stressed. I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, everyday. I'm so worried and anxious all the time. I can't think of anything else but loosing my son. So, I feel like I have to turn that anxiety onto The Ex, and keep track of all of his lies. This isn't any better. Either way, I'm worried all day long. I hate this!
I need to keep busy.
I need help in turning my attention to positive things.
I feel stuck.
Then, today, as I was marking down his AA meetings, and thinking about how he might have lied about one of them again, it occurred to me that I'm spending too much time thinking about him. I think part of this aspect of it, is that I'm thinking about the future and possible custody issues. I'm worried that if I don't keep track of how bad of a person he is, then he'll get awarded joint custody. I can not stand the fact that my son would be away from me that much. However, living this far into the future is killing me. I'm so stressed. I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, everyday. I'm so worried and anxious all the time. I can't think of anything else but loosing my son. So, I feel like I have to turn that anxiety onto The Ex, and keep track of all of his lies. This isn't any better. Either way, I'm worried all day long. I hate this!
I need to keep busy.
I need help in turning my attention to positive things.
I feel stuck.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
No Meeting Today
Well, today was a no go, again. I guess the girlfriend backed out of wanting to meet me. It's not like I care if I meet her or not. In fact, I do not want to meet her, but I realize that at some point I will. So, I'd actually just like to get it out of the way when it's not awkward. You know? Anyway, she was suppose to be with him at drop off. Instead, he had her granddaughter with him. It seems that he had to go out of his way to have us not meet.
I guess she knows I really am better than her. ;)
I guess she knows I really am better than her. ;)
Lies
I found out this evening that The Ex has lied about one of his AA meetings, which I knew that he had done, but didn't have proof. Until now. He has a picture of himself and our son on Facebook, with a date stamp on the picture that shows him clearly NOT at an AA meeting. He's cutting a cake, at his girlfriend's house. I'm not upset by the picture, no, not at all. In fact, I'm glad he posted it. Just goes to show that he does lie! I knew it! When I originally called him on it he got all defensive. So, since I didn't have proof, I apologized. Now I have proof! But, should I say something to him about it, or just keep it as an ace in my pocket? The thing about all this is I'm thinking into the future when he takes me back to court to change our custody arrangement, which I know he will. If not, I will. I wonder if I can do it sooner? Anyway, do I just keep all of these for later when I know he's going to fight me, then I pull out all this crap I have built up against him? OR, do I tell him now? He'll just lie about it, I'm sure. But there is no way in hell he went to a meeting like he said he did. He picked up the baby at 4:45, brought him back at 7:50, which is a total of 3 hours and 5 minutes. Figure in 1 hour of drive time, to and from and IF he went to a meeting, to and from..Because he'd also had to have gone to his girlfriend's house, which is where the picture is taken. So that leave 2 hours. A meeting is an hour and a half. So...If he did go to a meeting, he would have only stayed at his girlfriend's house for 30 minutes, on his birthday? Um...I'm not buying it. Another reason why is because that would have been his 3rd meeting that week. Yeah right.
So, now what to do with this information?
Oh, and the cake was store bought. It looked cheap. Yeah, I make waaaay better cakes than her. Ha!
So, now what to do with this information?
Oh, and the cake was store bought. It looked cheap. Yeah, I make waaaay better cakes than her. Ha!
Heavy Sigh
I hate him, I really do.
The Ex has caused me nothing but pain. He has been a complete asshole, he really has. Today at drop off, I left crying. I think this time I was more mad at myself.
First off, I had originally put down in our custody paperwork that The Ex would get the baby every Sunday, but only from 8-12. I did this as a favor to him, stupidly. He was complaining about paying too child support. So, I said that I would put down that he got the baby every weekend, so he wouldn't pay a whole bunch in child support. For me doing that, he would let me have the baby every other weekend, when I have my daughter. This way I can take them both to church, and they can be together. Well, then I got a lawyer, and I put in the paperwork that I wanted her to mark down that I got the baby every other Sunday. Well, she screwed it up, and didn't put that in the paperwork. Ugh. Fuck me.
So, today at drop off, he said he wants to keep the baby 45 minutes longer today because he has to run home. I agreed, but I'm not happy that I agreed. He said, "Why can't you be flexible with me, if I'm letting you have some Sundays."
Me-"Then keep him Sundays."
Him-"You don't want him?"
Me-"Of course I do."
Him-"But you don't want to barter?"
Me-"No."
Him-"Fine."
This means I will no longer have him on Sundays. Fine. But now I'm looking into the future....What happens if I get a job? Then I don't get to see the baby all week, then I have to share him on Sundays? What kind of crap is that? Then what happens if I go back to court? I know The Ex will fight me. And the thing about him, that even if I know he's lying about something, I can't always prove it. So then I'm the one who's screwed. UGH! I'm sooooo mad!
I know he's spent this whole weekend at his girlfriend's house. If he didn't, then why would he need to go back to his house to do something this afternoon? And, he's been driving his girlfriend's van around. This hurts most. One, he won't give me her address, but yet he takes the baby over there every time he has him, and they stay there. So, if something were to happen, I'd have no idea where he is. Secondly, I know him. He may be playing holy and all, but he's not. I'm sure he's having sex with her. This pisses me off. He would rarely be intimate with me, but he's staying the night with this other woman, probably sleeping with her. How much more hurtful can he be? And, yes, I know, I don't want him back, but it still hurts. It hurts like hell. It's like I wasn't good enough for him. He didn't want me, but he wants this other woman. He waited a couple months before seeing someone. What the hell! I so want to go out and screw someone just because, and then tell him about it. See how he'd like that!
Finally, his girlfriend is suppose to be with him when I pick up the baby later. I'll do my hair and put on make up, but still, she must think she's got the upper hand here. I mean she's got him. Not like she took him away from me, but she's currently with him.
I know I'm not suppose to have hate in my heart, but I hate them both right now.
The Ex has caused me nothing but pain. He has been a complete asshole, he really has. Today at drop off, I left crying. I think this time I was more mad at myself.
First off, I had originally put down in our custody paperwork that The Ex would get the baby every Sunday, but only from 8-12. I did this as a favor to him, stupidly. He was complaining about paying too child support. So, I said that I would put down that he got the baby every weekend, so he wouldn't pay a whole bunch in child support. For me doing that, he would let me have the baby every other weekend, when I have my daughter. This way I can take them both to church, and they can be together. Well, then I got a lawyer, and I put in the paperwork that I wanted her to mark down that I got the baby every other Sunday. Well, she screwed it up, and didn't put that in the paperwork. Ugh. Fuck me.
So, today at drop off, he said he wants to keep the baby 45 minutes longer today because he has to run home. I agreed, but I'm not happy that I agreed. He said, "Why can't you be flexible with me, if I'm letting you have some Sundays."
Me-"Then keep him Sundays."
Him-"You don't want him?"
Me-"Of course I do."
Him-"But you don't want to barter?"
Me-"No."
Him-"Fine."
This means I will no longer have him on Sundays. Fine. But now I'm looking into the future....What happens if I get a job? Then I don't get to see the baby all week, then I have to share him on Sundays? What kind of crap is that? Then what happens if I go back to court? I know The Ex will fight me. And the thing about him, that even if I know he's lying about something, I can't always prove it. So then I'm the one who's screwed. UGH! I'm sooooo mad!
I know he's spent this whole weekend at his girlfriend's house. If he didn't, then why would he need to go back to his house to do something this afternoon? And, he's been driving his girlfriend's van around. This hurts most. One, he won't give me her address, but yet he takes the baby over there every time he has him, and they stay there. So, if something were to happen, I'd have no idea where he is. Secondly, I know him. He may be playing holy and all, but he's not. I'm sure he's having sex with her. This pisses me off. He would rarely be intimate with me, but he's staying the night with this other woman, probably sleeping with her. How much more hurtful can he be? And, yes, I know, I don't want him back, but it still hurts. It hurts like hell. It's like I wasn't good enough for him. He didn't want me, but he wants this other woman. He waited a couple months before seeing someone. What the hell! I so want to go out and screw someone just because, and then tell him about it. See how he'd like that!
Finally, his girlfriend is suppose to be with him when I pick up the baby later. I'll do my hair and put on make up, but still, she must think she's got the upper hand here. I mean she's got him. Not like she took him away from me, but she's currently with him.
I know I'm not suppose to have hate in my heart, but I hate them both right now.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Public vs Private
I have another blog. It's public. I've gone back and forth on making it private. I've actually made it private a couple times. I have noticed that The Ex's girlfriend has been reading my blog everyday. (While she's at work.) I have been tempted to make it private again. I don't like that she's looking at everything in my past. She's looked at every month for the past 2 years. I normally don't mind that my blog is public, but for some reason it really bothers me that she's reading this. I told The Ex yesterday about it. (One of the things I realized that I shouldn't have done, which is what started the fight that I apologized for.) When I told him that she's looked at all this stuff, he actually defended her! He said that she just had too much time on her hands at work. I told him that he told me to leave her Facebook alone, so maybe she should leave my blog alone. He said no, that he didn't want us to be mean to each other on Facebook. Uh, no that's not what he said. He told me to "leave it alone, stop looking at her Facebook page." Man, he lies! Probably because he's told me so many lies he doesn't remember what he's actually said. Anyway, he said that she didn't even tell him that she had been looking at my blog. Ha! I bet he doesn't see that as a lie. I guess she can do whatever the hell she wants, I mean he looooooves her. *Please note sarcasm.*
So, I kinda don't want her reading my blog anymore. However, I don't want her to think she's won this battle. I don't want to make it private just because she's a wench. I guess the main reason she's checking on me on a regular basis is to compare what she has with The Ex to what I had with him. Maybe she's trying to see if we really were all that bad. Like I was going to blog about that-Ha!
I don't know what I'm going to do yet, I'm just thinking through this.
So, I kinda don't want her reading my blog anymore. However, I don't want her to think she's won this battle. I don't want to make it private just because she's a wench. I guess the main reason she's checking on me on a regular basis is to compare what she has with The Ex to what I had with him. Maybe she's trying to see if we really were all that bad. Like I was going to blog about that-Ha!
I don't know what I'm going to do yet, I'm just thinking through this.
Shut It!
I need to keep my mouth shut. Don't say anything Ms. Doe (I almost inserted my real name), don't say a word.
I'm pretty sure The Ex has been spending the night at his girlfriend's house. I'm also pretty sure he's going to tonight as well. He said that he'll be going over there in the morning, really early (lie) so I'm going to be meeting closer to her house, than our usual spot for drop off. All I want to do is tell him that I know that he's staying the night at her house. Ooooh, I just want him to know that I know. BUT...This is where I need to remember to take the emotion out. It's sooooo hard. I just know that he'll soon be living with her, and I'd better prepare myself for this. He's such a hypocrite. Ugh.
Then he tells me tonight that his girlfriend's boys are always playing with the baby, and that he's not always watching him. Uh, what an idiot to tell me that! But, it hurts also. Some lady's boys are playing with MY son. MY SON! What if they're punks? Thy youngest is 10 or 11. Then the other 2 are teenagers. What the hell are boys that old doing playing with a 19 month old? And WHY does this bother me so much?! The reason I know this is because I called to ask him if he's been playing football around the baby, because the baby has been pretending the "hike" a football. I thought maybe this was something he taught him. He then says that it was probably his girlfriend's boys. Ooooh, that got under my skin. But guess what? I have no one to blame but myself. I guess I justified it because I was asking about the baby, not asking about him.
How dumb of me! UGH!
I'm pretty sure The Ex has been spending the night at his girlfriend's house. I'm also pretty sure he's going to tonight as well. He said that he'll be going over there in the morning, really early (lie) so I'm going to be meeting closer to her house, than our usual spot for drop off. All I want to do is tell him that I know that he's staying the night at her house. Ooooh, I just want him to know that I know. BUT...This is where I need to remember to take the emotion out. It's sooooo hard. I just know that he'll soon be living with her, and I'd better prepare myself for this. He's such a hypocrite. Ugh.
Then he tells me tonight that his girlfriend's boys are always playing with the baby, and that he's not always watching him. Uh, what an idiot to tell me that! But, it hurts also. Some lady's boys are playing with MY son. MY SON! What if they're punks? Thy youngest is 10 or 11. Then the other 2 are teenagers. What the hell are boys that old doing playing with a 19 month old? And WHY does this bother me so much?! The reason I know this is because I called to ask him if he's been playing football around the baby, because the baby has been pretending the "hike" a football. I thought maybe this was something he taught him. He then says that it was probably his girlfriend's boys. Ooooh, that got under my skin. But guess what? I have no one to blame but myself. I guess I justified it because I was asking about the baby, not asking about him.
How dumb of me! UGH!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Therapist
I felt like I vomited my last post. Sorry, I was angry, and I really needed to get it out.
Just like this next topic. This may not make any sense to anyone else, but I think I need to decompress my thoughts. (I will also be blogging about this on my other blog, but talking about non-divorce stuff there.)
I need to train myself on how to communicate with The Ex. I'm currently doing a poor job at communication. I feed into his anger. I fight back with him. I don't walk away. Today my therapist said that he is a dark person (his spirit), and that even the Bible says to stay away from those people-As far as everyday interaction, friendships and such. (Ha, ha, I'm justified!) So, the only time I need to talk to The Ex, is when it has to do with our son. I don't need to hear how he feels about me. I don't need to tell him how he makes me feel. There is no room for emotion here. If I need to apologize, simply say, "I'm sorry I offended you, I won't do it again." (Which I know he won't accept, since he frequently rejects insincere (to him) apologies.) When I need to email or text him, keep it to the point, don't offer anything extra. I tend to give away too much information. I do not have a relationship with him, therefor, there is no need to offer anything extra. And, by staying to the point, I'm not being rude. And if he thinks I am, WHO CARES! Clearly from my past experiences, I can't seem to make him happy. So, I need to take care of myself and not worry about him. Which is why I need to leave my emotions aside. He doesn't care about my emotions, even though he may say he does. His actions clearly show that he doesn't.
Now, all this sounds well and good, but I know it's going to be difficult. I've had friends tell me from day one to not argue back with him. He knows which buttons to push, which is why I keep engaging with him. I need to just let it go. Allow myself to be angry, allow myself the feelings, but then move on. Easier said than done.
My therapist also said I'm doing better than most other people going through divorces, better as in wanting to get better. She said that I'm wanting to heal and trying to be conscientious about what I do and say. She said she would have expected me to be where I am now, a year from now. Ooooh, to be a good student! ;)
Okay, so back to communication. If The Ex tries to engage with me, or asks me a question, I need to redirect him by asking him a question. If that doesn't work, be vague. If he still persists, set a boundary and say, "I don't really feel comfortable talking about that." Also, remember to keep it about our son only. This is going to be hard to do, clearly, since I failed at it this afternoon.
Oh, and one more thing I forgot about. I told her about the text The Ex sent me last night. She told me to not send him anymore information. If he wants to know something, he's going to have to ask.
Ha, take that Asshat!
Just like this next topic. This may not make any sense to anyone else, but I think I need to decompress my thoughts. (I will also be blogging about this on my other blog, but talking about non-divorce stuff there.)
I need to train myself on how to communicate with The Ex. I'm currently doing a poor job at communication. I feed into his anger. I fight back with him. I don't walk away. Today my therapist said that he is a dark person (his spirit), and that even the Bible says to stay away from those people-As far as everyday interaction, friendships and such. (Ha, ha, I'm justified!) So, the only time I need to talk to The Ex, is when it has to do with our son. I don't need to hear how he feels about me. I don't need to tell him how he makes me feel. There is no room for emotion here. If I need to apologize, simply say, "I'm sorry I offended you, I won't do it again." (Which I know he won't accept, since he frequently rejects insincere (to him) apologies.) When I need to email or text him, keep it to the point, don't offer anything extra. I tend to give away too much information. I do not have a relationship with him, therefor, there is no need to offer anything extra. And, by staying to the point, I'm not being rude. And if he thinks I am, WHO CARES! Clearly from my past experiences, I can't seem to make him happy. So, I need to take care of myself and not worry about him. Which is why I need to leave my emotions aside. He doesn't care about my emotions, even though he may say he does. His actions clearly show that he doesn't.
Now, all this sounds well and good, but I know it's going to be difficult. I've had friends tell me from day one to not argue back with him. He knows which buttons to push, which is why I keep engaging with him. I need to just let it go. Allow myself to be angry, allow myself the feelings, but then move on. Easier said than done.
My therapist also said I'm doing better than most other people going through divorces, better as in wanting to get better. She said that I'm wanting to heal and trying to be conscientious about what I do and say. She said she would have expected me to be where I am now, a year from now. Ooooh, to be a good student! ;)
Okay, so back to communication. If The Ex tries to engage with me, or asks me a question, I need to redirect him by asking him a question. If that doesn't work, be vague. If he still persists, set a boundary and say, "I don't really feel comfortable talking about that." Also, remember to keep it about our son only. This is going to be hard to do, clearly, since I failed at it this afternoon.
Oh, and one more thing I forgot about. I told her about the text The Ex sent me last night. She told me to not send him anymore information. If he wants to know something, he's going to have to ask.
Ha, take that Asshat!
Grrrrrr
Today I had a conversation with The Ex. (While dropping off the baby.) I actually started to argue with him. After I left I had to remember what I learned while at the therapist today. So, I called him and apologized for arguing with him. I said that I had forgotten to just keep it about the baby. He then proceeded to talk to me for 20 minutes telling me how mad he was.
There was this blog post that my friend posted a while back. She posted on my blog and he didn't like it. He didn't like how she lashed out at him, and how I just let her. So he was mad about that. He was tired of me talking shit about him. Oh, and he also said that he didn't throw me out of MY HOUSE. He said he asked me to leave, and that I could have said no. Well, he's right, I could have said no, but he knows me and he knows that I wouldn't have said no. So, yet again, this whole thing is my fault. Then he said it was mutual. Then he said that towards the end he wanted me to stay, and that I wanted to go. What the fuck ever, make up your mind douchebag! Man, he sure does know how to piss me off. And, I started it! All I did was call to apologize for fighting with him and he had to unload all his feelings on me. UGH! Why do I do this to myself? I can't win with that guy. He said at one point we should talk about where we went wrong. Why? I have no need for that. All it's going to turn into is a big fighting match. I have no desire to do that. None. I know where we went wrong. We got married. I should have never married a man who had/has addiction problems. And I don't care if he thinks all I do is talk about him. Yes, I guess that makes me bad in his eyes. But you know what? I don't give a damn. Yes, I know I played a part in the relationship. I know I had my faults. But faults that were so bad that he had to treat me like shit? Probably not. I think that we just were never right for one another. He believes in conspiracy theories. I do not. He's conservative. I'm liberal. I can drink without having to go to AA. He belongs to AA. I like to have sex with other people. He likes to have sex with himself, while looking at porn. Okay, so that's not so bad, except for when he chooses to masturbate instead of being intimate with me.
Oooooh, if he could read this he'd be pissed. But guess what? It's the truth. Oh, and he said he was doing me a favor and not unloading all his anger on me. Don't do me any favors asshole.
Blllllaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Deep Breath.
There was this blog post that my friend posted a while back. She posted on my blog and he didn't like it. He didn't like how she lashed out at him, and how I just let her. So he was mad about that. He was tired of me talking shit about him. Oh, and he also said that he didn't throw me out of MY HOUSE. He said he asked me to leave, and that I could have said no. Well, he's right, I could have said no, but he knows me and he knows that I wouldn't have said no. So, yet again, this whole thing is my fault. Then he said it was mutual. Then he said that towards the end he wanted me to stay, and that I wanted to go. What the fuck ever, make up your mind douchebag! Man, he sure does know how to piss me off. And, I started it! All I did was call to apologize for fighting with him and he had to unload all his feelings on me. UGH! Why do I do this to myself? I can't win with that guy. He said at one point we should talk about where we went wrong. Why? I have no need for that. All it's going to turn into is a big fighting match. I have no desire to do that. None. I know where we went wrong. We got married. I should have never married a man who had/has addiction problems. And I don't care if he thinks all I do is talk about him. Yes, I guess that makes me bad in his eyes. But you know what? I don't give a damn. Yes, I know I played a part in the relationship. I know I had my faults. But faults that were so bad that he had to treat me like shit? Probably not. I think that we just were never right for one another. He believes in conspiracy theories. I do not. He's conservative. I'm liberal. I can drink without having to go to AA. He belongs to AA. I like to have sex with other people. He likes to have sex with himself, while looking at porn. Okay, so that's not so bad, except for when he chooses to masturbate instead of being intimate with me.
Oooooh, if he could read this he'd be pissed. But guess what? It's the truth. Oh, and he said he was doing me a favor and not unloading all his anger on me. Don't do me any favors asshole.
Blllllaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Deep Breath.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Being Nice Doesn't Work
In my efforts to be nice, I sent The Ex a text today saying that our son said "water."
This is the text I got back.
"I wish I could experience that too. It must be nice. Have fun enjoying our son."
See! This is how much of an ass he is! I'm trying to include him (not like he cares, he never asks how our son is), and it gets shot down.
Well, fuck him then. Douchebag.
This is the text I got back.
"I wish I could experience that too. It must be nice. Have fun enjoying our son."
See! This is how much of an ass he is! I'm trying to include him (not like he cares, he never asks how our son is), and it gets shot down.
Well, fuck him then. Douchebag.
Lonely
I hate feeling lonely. I hate missing someone who has hurt me. Today, I was feeling these feelings. It's not even that I miss HIM, I think I sometimes just miss the idea of him, what could have been.
Sigh.
Tomorrow I have a therapy appointment, thank God.
Sigh.
Tomorrow I have a therapy appointment, thank God.
Dear Other Woman,
Please stop looking at my other blog.
I have an invisible stat counter, that tells me who has looked at my blog. Most people I don't know, while others are my friends. However, when I see your employment's IP address (and name) show up, I know it's you. So, instead of spending an hour looking at my blog, why don't you do what the school district pays you to do, and actually work. Oh, and there really is no need to look at posts all the way back to 2007. I didn't even know The Ex then, so why bother looking at my life? As far as looking at times when The Ex and I were happy, well, I didn't blog about very many of them, so good luck finding those posts. I'm not entirely sure as to what you're doing by looking at my blog everyday. Although, it kind of makes me want to write everyday to give you something new to read. Maybe I'll start writing about how happy I am. Maybe I'll explain how much I love my children. Better yet, I think I'll talk about how great it is to move on, and how good I feel about myself and my decisions. Yeah, I like that idea.
So, dear Other Woman, why don't you get on with your life. Stop looking for fights. If you're so happy with The Ex, then LEAVE ME ALONE, and go be happy with him.
I have an invisible stat counter, that tells me who has looked at my blog. Most people I don't know, while others are my friends. However, when I see your employment's IP address (and name) show up, I know it's you. So, instead of spending an hour looking at my blog, why don't you do what the school district pays you to do, and actually work. Oh, and there really is no need to look at posts all the way back to 2007. I didn't even know The Ex then, so why bother looking at my life? As far as looking at times when The Ex and I were happy, well, I didn't blog about very many of them, so good luck finding those posts. I'm not entirely sure as to what you're doing by looking at my blog everyday. Although, it kind of makes me want to write everyday to give you something new to read. Maybe I'll start writing about how happy I am. Maybe I'll explain how much I love my children. Better yet, I think I'll talk about how great it is to move on, and how good I feel about myself and my decisions. Yeah, I like that idea.
So, dear Other Woman, why don't you get on with your life. Stop looking for fights. If you're so happy with The Ex, then LEAVE ME ALONE, and go be happy with him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)