I was up early this morning, 5am to be exact. I just couldn't sleep. While I was up, I started looking at old pictures. I came across a bunch with The Ex. I was noticing that there was a theme. He hardly smiled. Even when he did smile, it was half hearted. It's almost as if he was super unhappy all of the time. For a while, I thought maybe I made him that unhappy. But, then I realized I couldn't have. I didn't require much from this guy. I let him be who he was. The times he drank or used pills, I didn't really fight with him. I did the last time, when I told him I would leave if he kept it up, but the other times? Nope. I just let him be. I let him go through whatever it was he was going through. When he didn't attend his AA meetings, I didn't push the issue. I figured he'd come around eventually. So, with me just leaving him alone, how could I have made him so unhappy? Maybe I should have pushed issues more? Maybe he would have felt loved? I don't know.
Looking at all the pictures brought back memories of how I felt during that time. Even if I may have been going through things, I still smiled in my pictures. We rarely took pictures together, but I came across one. Even in that picture, I smiled. I looked happy, genuinely happy. Oddly enough, the night that picture was taken, we had had a fight. We spent most of the evening being angry with one another. The look on his face wasn't of anger, but it didn't illuminate with happiness either. I realized I must be really good at masking my feelings. I think I was also in denial. Maybe hopeful still of our marriage? I don't know. But, realize even though my pictures were filled with smiles, that didn't mean I was happy. I spent a lot of time being angry with him. Out in public, sure things would be fine. But at home...I was angry. I didn't yell at him, and he didn't always know, but on the inside, I was mad. I think if I had to do one thing over, that's what I would do differently. I wouldn't have spent so much time being angry with him.
Anyway....
This made me think about an email I received last night. I subscribe to an online divorce support group that sends out emails everyday. Here is a main point from the email.
Holding on to idealistic views of life can be a source of anger for you. Perhaps you have been holding on to dreams, which are now only myths. By clinging to what you can no longer have, you are feeding your frustration.
So true. I think I've been holding on to what I'm believe The Ex and I could have had. I think that's partly why I'm upset when he's seeing someone. Part of me is still holding on to what I wish we could have had. Then, I think that he's giving all that to his new girlfriend. (Who by the way, I don't think he's seeing anymore, but I'm not sure.) He's being this great guy to someone else. Why couldn't he give that to me? Why couldn't he be a good father/husband while he was with me? Why was he so unhappy in our pictures? Even pictures he took with the kids. It's such a mediocre smile he gives. The couple pictures I've seen of him and his girlfriend, he's super happy! Huge ass smiles and all.
Sigh.
This just reaffirms how wrong we were for one another.
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