Sunday, May 30, 2010
Another Day
Well, I didn't meet the girlfriend today. She chickened out. She said she wasn't ready to meet me because of all the crap that's happened this week. Crap that she's started, by the way. Both her and The Ex think that one of my blog post (on my other blog) was written about The Ex. In fact it was written because of The Ex, but not about The Ex. Either way, that post (or any other for that matter) didn't address her. I have no idea why she's so pissed at me. I think it's because she's jealous. She's comparing herself to me. She must think I'm better than her. Yep, that's gotta be it. (Please note sarcasm.) At any rate, I guess the anxiety I felt all the way up until I found out she wasn't going to be there, will return for the day that I do finally meet her.
Sigh.
Oh, and my peace offering went over a tad better than I thought it was going to. He did say that I'm not allowed to call him a liar, and then apologize. Well, buddy, I didn't apologize for calling you a liar. I just said that we need to learn how to get along. He misunderstood most of my email, of course. I think he just wants to stay mad at me. Today was the first day in a very long time that we had a conversation in person that lasted longer than 15 seconds, and for most of it he wouldn't look at me in the eye. He totally avoided eye contact. He doesn't believe that my other blog has nothing to do with him. Apparently I'm some evil, hateful bitch.
Whatever.
Maybe I am.
I mean, I do have this blog don't I? ;)
Sigh.
Oh, and my peace offering went over a tad better than I thought it was going to. He did say that I'm not allowed to call him a liar, and then apologize. Well, buddy, I didn't apologize for calling you a liar. I just said that we need to learn how to get along. He misunderstood most of my email, of course. I think he just wants to stay mad at me. Today was the first day in a very long time that we had a conversation in person that lasted longer than 15 seconds, and for most of it he wouldn't look at me in the eye. He totally avoided eye contact. He doesn't believe that my other blog has nothing to do with him. Apparently I'm some evil, hateful bitch.
Whatever.
Maybe I am.
I mean, I do have this blog don't I? ;)
Sweet Revenge
I love reading PostSecret every Sunday. This Sunday, at the very bottom of the page, was this message:
Frank,
I mailed in one of the secrets that made it into your book, PostSecret Confessions on life, Death and God. Mine reads-
"When another woman steals your man, the best revenge is to let her keep him."
Funny story, my ex-husband's wife (the other woman) dropped my kids off at my house last week and saw my PostSecret book in the kitchen. She exclaimed,
"I love this book! Have you seen the one about stealing another person's man? That one's my favorite!"
She had no idea it was about her.
(posted with permission)
Below is the secret she was talking about.
This was too perfect for me to not share.
Ah, sweet revenge.
Frank,
I mailed in one of the secrets that made it into your book, PostSecret Confessions on life, Death and God. Mine reads-
"When another woman steals your man, the best revenge is to let her keep him."
Funny story, my ex-husband's wife (the other woman) dropped my kids off at my house last week and saw my PostSecret book in the kitchen. She exclaimed,
"I love this book! Have you seen the one about stealing another person's man? That one's my favorite!"
She had no idea it was about her.
(posted with permission)
Below is the secret she was talking about.
This was too perfect for me to not share.
Ah, sweet revenge.
Today is the Day
I was informed this morning that I will, in fact, meet the girlfriend this afternoon. The Ex said that she didn't have any hard feelings towards me, and that in fact, she wanted to meet me earlier. Funny, he just told me a couple days ago (I still have it on voicemail) that he was going to have to prevent her from wanting to "kill you guys." But she doesn't have any problems with me. Sigh...He's such a liar.
He spent the night at her house last night. He's driving her van around, and I guess they're playing "family." He told me that he wouldn't take our son over there, that they were only going to make "pit stops." Again, lie. I think he thinks I'm too naive to realize what he's really doing.
He's taking her, our son and his grandma to church with him. Since he gets him every Sunday (8-12), he gets to take him to church with him every week. I miss out on that. I was taking him every other Sunday, but he decided to go back to the paperwork, and because my lawyer goofed it up, I loose out on every Sunday. I should have forced her to do it the right way, but I didn't. So now I loose.
Bleh.
Oh, and my peace offering has yet to be answered. However, when I saw him this morning, I still had a feeling of disgust for him. Well, mild disgust. I'm thinking, I can forgive him, but I certainly can't forget the hurt he's caused me. Not to mention that he still lies to me. So, maybe this idea of peace and forgiveness is really about me, and my feelings. Maybe I'm trying to get out of this mental funk I've been in, and this is the route I'm taking. Maybe, it's just about me, and trying my best to get better.
I don't have any answers.
I'll let everyone know how it goes this afternoon. Wish me well.
He spent the night at her house last night. He's driving her van around, and I guess they're playing "family." He told me that he wouldn't take our son over there, that they were only going to make "pit stops." Again, lie. I think he thinks I'm too naive to realize what he's really doing.
He's taking her, our son and his grandma to church with him. Since he gets him every Sunday (8-12), he gets to take him to church with him every week. I miss out on that. I was taking him every other Sunday, but he decided to go back to the paperwork, and because my lawyer goofed it up, I loose out on every Sunday. I should have forced her to do it the right way, but I didn't. So now I loose.
Bleh.
Oh, and my peace offering has yet to be answered. However, when I saw him this morning, I still had a feeling of disgust for him. Well, mild disgust. I'm thinking, I can forgive him, but I certainly can't forget the hurt he's caused me. Not to mention that he still lies to me. So, maybe this idea of peace and forgiveness is really about me, and my feelings. Maybe I'm trying to get out of this mental funk I've been in, and this is the route I'm taking. Maybe, it's just about me, and trying my best to get better.
I don't have any answers.
I'll let everyone know how it goes this afternoon. Wish me well.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
The Other Woman
I'm technically still married. My soon to be ex husband is currently seeing someone (and has been for almost 2 months). I was hurt and angry when I found out. For the most part, I don't really care about her. I almost feel sorry for her. In time, I'm sure she will have her heart broken by The Ex.
What makes me mad about her, is that she feels that The Ex is being too nice to me. (If she thinks what he's been is nice, she's in for a rude awakening.) She's gone out of her way to stalk me on the Internet (hence, private, anonymous blog), in order to cause an argument between The Ex and myself. She's looked at pictures of my family on my other blog. She's looked at pictures of my baby, pictures of my daughter, and pictures of when The Ex and I were together. It's almost as if she's trying to see what kind of life we had. On her Facebook page she talks about how much she loves The Ex, and that he's what she's been looking for all her life. They do things that we use to do together. And according to The Ex, she's a way better person than I am. (Yeah, but she's dating a married man. Um, hello?) The Ex has made it seem like she's the love of his life. He's interested in doing things "the right way" with her. Unlike how he knocked me up, the first time we slept together. (Sounds so vulgar, I know.) He wants to have sex with her (so I'm guessing), but with me he never wanted to. (I can count on both hands the times we had sex during our 2 year marriage.) He always had a reason. Let me list them for you. -I was pregnant. -I was fat. -I wasn't on birth control. -He didn't have any desire. -He was tired. -He had to get up early. -I wasn't affectionate enough, so why would he want to with someone who wasn't affectionate with him during the day? Instead he watched porn on a regular basis. I guess he didn't need me when he had my computer to fulfill his needs. But with her, he's attracted to her. (That he did tell me.) With me, he just talked about loosing weight. He's actually lost weight for her. He reads the Bible with her. With me, he blamed me if we didn't read it together. Why didn't I bring it up, was his excuse. It's almost as if he's a different person with her than he was with me.
At first it was hard for me to not compare myself to this other woman, and how much better she is than me. Then, I looked at our similarities. We both drive the same kind of car. Our first initials of our first names are the same. Our birthdays are one month apart, as far as the day is concerned. We both are (were) attracted to an addict.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!!!!
So now, let's change our perspective on this situation. Here's the good (for me) about their relationship.
-She pursued him, which means she's always going to be into him more than he is her. (Wait, that sounds sick and wrong.)
-I'm at least 10 years younger than her.
-I'm not in love with a married man.
-I was at least somewhat healthy enough of a person to see that being with him was unhealthy.
-She, too, is a victim of a alcoholic/drug user. She may not see it now, but it'll happen. (Not really a good point for me, but more of a reality. Can you say co-dependent?)
-Did I mention that I'm 10 years younger than her?
I guess I needed to talk about this because I know the day is coming soon when I will be meeting her. I'm not trying to say that I'm better than her. Instead, I'm saying that I don't buy into the fact that I'm all the mean things that The Ex has said I am. They may very well stay together for 50 years, who knows. His mom may like her more than she has ever liked me. That's fine. But just because this may happen, this doesn't mean that I was the bad person. It doesn't mean that I'm so unkind or full of hate, that The Ex couldn't stand me.
It just means that I was able to get out, and that's all that matters.
What makes me mad about her, is that she feels that The Ex is being too nice to me. (If she thinks what he's been is nice, she's in for a rude awakening.) She's gone out of her way to stalk me on the Internet (hence, private, anonymous blog), in order to cause an argument between The Ex and myself. She's looked at pictures of my family on my other blog. She's looked at pictures of my baby, pictures of my daughter, and pictures of when The Ex and I were together. It's almost as if she's trying to see what kind of life we had. On her Facebook page she talks about how much she loves The Ex, and that he's what she's been looking for all her life. They do things that we use to do together. And according to The Ex, she's a way better person than I am. (Yeah, but she's dating a married man. Um, hello?) The Ex has made it seem like she's the love of his life. He's interested in doing things "the right way" with her. Unlike how he knocked me up, the first time we slept together. (Sounds so vulgar, I know.) He wants to have sex with her (so I'm guessing), but with me he never wanted to. (I can count on both hands the times we had sex during our 2 year marriage.) He always had a reason. Let me list them for you. -I was pregnant. -I was fat. -I wasn't on birth control. -He didn't have any desire. -He was tired. -He had to get up early. -I wasn't affectionate enough, so why would he want to with someone who wasn't affectionate with him during the day? Instead he watched porn on a regular basis. I guess he didn't need me when he had my computer to fulfill his needs. But with her, he's attracted to her. (That he did tell me.) With me, he just talked about loosing weight. He's actually lost weight for her. He reads the Bible with her. With me, he blamed me if we didn't read it together. Why didn't I bring it up, was his excuse. It's almost as if he's a different person with her than he was with me.
At first it was hard for me to not compare myself to this other woman, and how much better she is than me. Then, I looked at our similarities. We both drive the same kind of car. Our first initials of our first names are the same. Our birthdays are one month apart, as far as the day is concerned. We both are (were) attracted to an addict.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!!!!
So now, let's change our perspective on this situation. Here's the good (for me) about their relationship.
-She pursued him, which means she's always going to be into him more than he is her. (Wait, that sounds sick and wrong.)
-I'm at least 10 years younger than her.
-I'm not in love with a married man.
-I was at least somewhat healthy enough of a person to see that being with him was unhealthy.
-She, too, is a victim of a alcoholic/drug user. She may not see it now, but it'll happen. (Not really a good point for me, but more of a reality. Can you say co-dependent?)
-Did I mention that I'm 10 years younger than her?
I guess I needed to talk about this because I know the day is coming soon when I will be meeting her. I'm not trying to say that I'm better than her. Instead, I'm saying that I don't buy into the fact that I'm all the mean things that The Ex has said I am. They may very well stay together for 50 years, who knows. His mom may like her more than she has ever liked me. That's fine. But just because this may happen, this doesn't mean that I was the bad person. It doesn't mean that I'm so unkind or full of hate, that The Ex couldn't stand me.
It just means that I was able to get out, and that's all that matters.
Inner Struggle
I'm having a moment where I want to forgive my ex. *gasp*
He's hurt me so much, that I almost don't want to, but for some reason I have this unexplainable peace about this whole situation.
I'm sure it will change. He almost always does something to piss me off.
This past week has been a week of hell. He's been mean to me. He's called me a "fucking stupid bitch." He's rejected my and my friend's apology. He's mocked me. He's threatened me. He's pretty much just plain evil. I've had anxiety about him all week. Every time I think about him, I picture myself punching him in the face. If I'm polite to him, he gets mad. If I'm rude to him, he gets mad. Either reaction pisses him off, so I've just wallowed in my anger for him. I've felt justified in that. Then, this evening, it all changed. I sent him an email that was very matter of fact. I told him that he needed to stop lying to me about his AA meetings. I also told him that he needed to give me proof that he has a sponsor, which he was suppose to do last month. After I wrote that email, I was thinking about it, and I felt like I needed to follow it up with more. So I wrote him another email. In this email I didn't really apologize, but instead took a different approach. I expressed how it would be nice for us to try to get along for the sake of our son. I told him that our focus needs to be on our son, not on our anger towards one another. I told him that I'm willing to move beyond my hurt feelings, and try to co-parent our child. Or, at the very least, be able to share what he did during the day. There was some other stuff, as it was a long email, but that's pretty much the gist of it. After my email, I had a very peaceful feeling inside. It could have been because I felt like I was finally willing to be the bigger person and let go of my anger. In sending that email, I realized that I will probably get a nasty response. I seriously doubt that he's going to be nice after all the shit he's pulled this past week. But you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm prepared for that nasty email. I'm prepared to have my positive words of hope turned into some other meaning, for which they were not intended.
I really think I'm okay. (Keep in mind I may change my mind tomorrow.) Maybe this week was what I needed to realize that he is who he is....A lying, alcoholic, pill popping, paranoid, control freak asshole...And the only thing I can do is control my end of this all. I can only control how I react to him. When I react to him in anger, I stay mad and have anxiety. I hate filling my days and thoughts with his hateful words. So, tomorrow, when I see him, I'm going to try to have kindness in my heart for him. Key word-Try.
We'll see how it goes.
He's hurt me so much, that I almost don't want to, but for some reason I have this unexplainable peace about this whole situation.
I'm sure it will change. He almost always does something to piss me off.
This past week has been a week of hell. He's been mean to me. He's called me a "fucking stupid bitch." He's rejected my and my friend's apology. He's mocked me. He's threatened me. He's pretty much just plain evil. I've had anxiety about him all week. Every time I think about him, I picture myself punching him in the face. If I'm polite to him, he gets mad. If I'm rude to him, he gets mad. Either reaction pisses him off, so I've just wallowed in my anger for him. I've felt justified in that. Then, this evening, it all changed. I sent him an email that was very matter of fact. I told him that he needed to stop lying to me about his AA meetings. I also told him that he needed to give me proof that he has a sponsor, which he was suppose to do last month. After I wrote that email, I was thinking about it, and I felt like I needed to follow it up with more. So I wrote him another email. In this email I didn't really apologize, but instead took a different approach. I expressed how it would be nice for us to try to get along for the sake of our son. I told him that our focus needs to be on our son, not on our anger towards one another. I told him that I'm willing to move beyond my hurt feelings, and try to co-parent our child. Or, at the very least, be able to share what he did during the day. There was some other stuff, as it was a long email, but that's pretty much the gist of it. After my email, I had a very peaceful feeling inside. It could have been because I felt like I was finally willing to be the bigger person and let go of my anger. In sending that email, I realized that I will probably get a nasty response. I seriously doubt that he's going to be nice after all the shit he's pulled this past week. But you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm prepared for that nasty email. I'm prepared to have my positive words of hope turned into some other meaning, for which they were not intended.
I really think I'm okay. (Keep in mind I may change my mind tomorrow.) Maybe this week was what I needed to realize that he is who he is....A lying, alcoholic, pill popping, paranoid, control freak asshole...And the only thing I can do is control my end of this all. I can only control how I react to him. When I react to him in anger, I stay mad and have anxiety. I hate filling my days and thoughts with his hateful words. So, tomorrow, when I see him, I'm going to try to have kindness in my heart for him. Key word-Try.
We'll see how it goes.
Commenting
I've asked my friends that if they are to comment, to please do so anonymously. Well, silly me, I forgot to turn on the ability to post anonymously. It has now been fixed. Please feel free to comment, without anyone knowing who you are.
Isn't that a bit liberating?
Isn't that a bit liberating?
Friday, May 28, 2010
Welcome!
*Sigh of Relief*
It feels so good to be able to blog about what I want, not worrying about what someone is going to say about what I have to say. This blog is mainly for me to vent. Sometimes I just don't want to be nice. Sometimes I just want to say, "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE," without being judged. Othertimes I'd like to express how much I've been hurt, or want to cry. And even yet, sometimes I just want to bad mouth the person who has given me aforementioned hurt.
So, I welcome you on this journey with me. Feel free to comment. Feel free to encourage. DO NOT feel free to be negative (unless it's about the ex). If you, too, are going through a divorce, I hope that some of my words are comforting to you.
It feels so good to be able to blog about what I want, not worrying about what someone is going to say about what I have to say. This blog is mainly for me to vent. Sometimes I just don't want to be nice. Sometimes I just want to say, "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE," without being judged. Othertimes I'd like to express how much I've been hurt, or want to cry. And even yet, sometimes I just want to bad mouth the person who has given me aforementioned hurt.
So, I welcome you on this journey with me. Feel free to comment. Feel free to encourage. DO NOT feel free to be negative (unless it's about the ex). If you, too, are going through a divorce, I hope that some of my words are comforting to you.
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