Inner Struggle

I'm having a moment where I want to forgive my ex. *gasp*

He's hurt me so much, that I almost don't want to, but for some reason I have this unexplainable peace about this whole situation.

I'm sure it will change. He almost always does something to piss me off.

This past week has been a week of hell. He's been mean to me. He's called me a "fucking stupid bitch." He's rejected my and my friend's apology. He's mocked me. He's threatened me. He's pretty much just plain evil. I've had anxiety about him all week. Every time I think about him, I picture myself punching him in the face. If I'm polite to him, he gets mad. If I'm rude to him, he gets mad. Either reaction pisses him off, so I've just wallowed in my anger for him. I've felt justified in that. Then, this evening, it all changed. I sent him an email that was very matter of fact. I told him that he needed to stop lying to me about his AA meetings. I also told him that he needed to give me proof that he has a sponsor, which he was suppose to do last month. After I wrote that email, I was thinking about it, and I felt like I needed to follow it up with more. So I wrote him another email. In this email I didn't really apologize, but instead took a different approach. I expressed how it would be nice for us to try to get along for the sake of our son. I told him that our focus needs to be on our son, not on our anger towards one another. I told him that I'm willing to move beyond my hurt feelings, and try to co-parent our child. Or, at the very least, be able to share what he did during the day. There was some other stuff, as it was a long email, but that's pretty much the gist of it. After my email, I had a very peaceful feeling inside. It could have been because I felt like I was finally willing to be the bigger person and let go of my anger. In sending that email, I realized that I will probably get a nasty response. I seriously doubt that he's going to be nice after all the shit he's pulled this past week. But you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm prepared for that nasty email. I'm prepared to have my positive words of hope turned into some other meaning, for which they were not intended.

I really think I'm okay. (Keep in mind I may change my mind tomorrow.) Maybe this week was what I needed to realize that he is who he is....A lying, alcoholic, pill popping, paranoid, control freak asshole...And the only thing I can do is control my end of this all. I can only control how I react to him. When I react to him in anger, I stay mad and have anxiety. I hate filling my days and thoughts with his hateful words. So, tomorrow, when I see him, I'm going to try to have kindness in my heart for him. Key word-Try.

We'll see how it goes.