I hate him, I really do.
The Ex has caused me nothing but pain. He has been a complete asshole, he really has. Today at drop off, I left crying. I think this time I was more mad at myself.
First off, I had originally put down in our custody paperwork that The Ex would get the baby every Sunday, but only from 8-12. I did this as a favor to him, stupidly. He was complaining about paying too child support. So, I said that I would put down that he got the baby every weekend, so he wouldn't pay a whole bunch in child support. For me doing that, he would let me have the baby every other weekend, when I have my daughter. This way I can take them both to church, and they can be together. Well, then I got a lawyer, and I put in the paperwork that I wanted her to mark down that I got the baby every other Sunday. Well, she screwed it up, and didn't put that in the paperwork. Ugh. Fuck me.
So, today at drop off, he said he wants to keep the baby 45 minutes longer today because he has to run home. I agreed, but I'm not happy that I agreed. He said, "Why can't you be flexible with me, if I'm letting you have some Sundays."
Me-"Then keep him Sundays."
Him-"You don't want him?"
Me-"Of course I do."
Him-"But you don't want to barter?"
Me-"No."
Him-"Fine."
This means I will no longer have him on Sundays. Fine. But now I'm looking into the future....What happens if I get a job? Then I don't get to see the baby all week, then I have to share him on Sundays? What kind of crap is that? Then what happens if I go back to court? I know The Ex will fight me. And the thing about him, that even if I know he's lying about something, I can't always prove it. So then I'm the one who's screwed. UGH! I'm sooooo mad!
I know he's spent this whole weekend at his girlfriend's house. If he didn't, then why would he need to go back to his house to do something this afternoon? And, he's been driving his girlfriend's van around. This hurts most. One, he won't give me her address, but yet he takes the baby over there every time he has him, and they stay there. So, if something were to happen, I'd have no idea where he is. Secondly, I know him. He may be playing holy and all, but he's not. I'm sure he's having sex with her. This pisses me off. He would rarely be intimate with me, but he's staying the night with this other woman, probably sleeping with her. How much more hurtful can he be? And, yes, I know, I don't want him back, but it still hurts. It hurts like hell. It's like I wasn't good enough for him. He didn't want me, but he wants this other woman. He waited a couple months before seeing someone. What the hell! I so want to go out and screw someone just because, and then tell him about it. See how he'd like that!
Finally, his girlfriend is suppose to be with him when I pick up the baby later. I'll do my hair and put on make up, but still, she must think she's got the upper hand here. I mean she's got him. Not like she took him away from me, but she's currently with him.
I know I'm not suppose to have hate in my heart, but I hate them both right now.
You have to remember, that while she has him, you got out, so you won. He is going to cause her nothing but pain and heartache, and thankfully you are taking care of yourself and your children.
ReplyDeleteI can't say anything to take this pain away. I think it is part of the journey of loss and grief. You are not the unworthy one though. You are beautiful, loving, and good. You will one day find someone who sees this in you too. As a husband he did never built you up and honored you the way you deserved to be honored. Let him be with grandma. Let them be spiteful and miserable together.