It seems that I've been spending an enormous amount of my time focusing on The Ex. It's like he's with me all the time, because I'm thinking of him and his girlfriend all the time. I think of how she's better than me. I think of how she's stalking my blog. I think of how much she thinks her "Babe" is such a hot looking man, and how happy they are together. *Gag* I spend my time trying to catch him in lies. I think about how much of a jerk he is, and how he's treated me awfully. Sometimes I think about how things could have been better. Could I have been nicer to him? What if I approached him more? What if I just did everything he said without fighting? What if I asked him to do things, instead of just waiting for him to do them? I'll sometimes wonder if it really was as bad as I thought it was.
Then, today, as I was marking down his AA meetings, and thinking about how he might have lied about one of them again, it occurred to me that I'm spending too much time thinking about him. I think part of this aspect of it, is that I'm thinking about the future and possible custody issues. I'm worried that if I don't keep track of how bad of a person he is, then he'll get awarded joint custody. I can not stand the fact that my son would be away from me that much. However, living this far into the future is killing me. I'm so stressed. I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach all day, everyday. I'm so worried and anxious all the time. I can't think of anything else but loosing my son. So, I feel like I have to turn that anxiety onto The Ex, and keep track of all of his lies. This isn't any better. Either way, I'm worried all day long. I hate this!
I need to keep busy.
I need help in turning my attention to positive things.
I feel stuck.
Well I think the first step is to be aware of how much he is taking away from you when you focus on him and nosey mcwhore. Once you are aware of thinking about him focus on something else. Something positive. When you think he is lying to you, send an email to your lawyer. Then think about something positive. You can spend all day worrying about the future, but all that will do is make you sick. Spend each moment being the best mom you can to the baby, love him, care for him with kindness and consistency, and trust in goodness winning in the end. Use the support of your friends and family when you need to vent, and do at least one positive thing for yourself every day. And rely on your therapist to help you navigate the mental anguish you are feeling.
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